


The Long Weekend

by A_memory_box24



Category: Kpop - Fandom, iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Romance, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-03 06:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10238177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_memory_box24/pseuds/A_memory_box24
Summary: B.I. and Bobby are sent on an unexpected comeback mission by YG. Hanbin is thrilled to be getting some alone time with Bobby but Bobby doesn't seem to be happy. Hanbin begins to suspect the worst....has Bobby fallen out of love with him? Guest appearances from Yang hyunsuk, Tablo and Haru (because she is the best). Later chapters will mention Mino and Jinhwan will have an appearance.





	1. Getting There

**Author's Note:**

> "I know your heart isn’t with me  
> There is no use in time either  
> Baby please say nothing..."

Afternoon sunshine poured through the window of the car and scattered into a rainbow of light across Hanbin’s face. He closed his eyes until the glaring red behind his eyelids disappeared and reopened them to continue watching the scenery flashing by. Mountains loomed ahead peacefully in the horizon and over them the winter sky had started breaking down into flaming pastel pinks and oranges, lighting up the wheat fields lining the highway. Yet the incredible beauty outside only seemed to intensify what was wrong inside the car. Hanbin looked over at Bobby at the wheel. He was as handsome as ever with his full bottom lip pouting slightly and his sharp jawline cutting a dramatic shadow in the afternoon glow. His usually smiley eyes were cold and distant though, and there was something about his whole demeanor that seemed to say to Hanbin “I am far away and I don’t know when I will be coming back.” 

Had there been a different mood Hanbin may have fed Bobby snacks as he drove. Maybe, he would have turned to him and asked a question he hadn’t asked before, something that would have made Bobby laugh and cringe but nonetheless he would have answered honestly, as always. Maybe, he would have hummed a new melody and recorded it on his phone while Bobby beatboxed badly. Maybe, they would have spent the trip teasing each other and cracking up, rapping along to their favourite tracks and being idiots. 

But there wasn’t a different mood in the car – there was just the mood there was and it was flat and tired. In fact, they hadn’t spoken much since they got into the car at the YG building, only a few perfunctory exchanges regarding getting the GPS working. Hanbin had tried a few times to initiate conversation with Bobby but he hadn’t gotten very far. Bobby’s strained smiles and forced chuckles were more uncomfortable than silence and he had given up. 

Nothing activated Hanbin’s anxious neediness quite like Bobby being out of sorts. It was as if the electric energy they shared was abruptly cut off at the source or like he suddenly didn’t have blood pumping through his body anymore. In those moments, he was reminded just how physically, emotionally and creatively dependent he was on Bobby and it was scary to remember how much of his happiness rested in that person feeling the same way. Bobby being in a bad place always seemed to act as a cold reminder that he and Bobby actually weren’t one brain, heart and soul, even though it felt like that a lot of time. Rather, Bobby really was like everyone else in the world – independent from him, an individual with a world of his own, and the terrifying power to both share and withhold his thoughts and feelings from Hanbin if he so chose. 

As the wheat fields flashed past in a blur of golden light, green grass and white blooms, Hanbin being the compulsive over-thinker he was, was trying to piece things together, trying to work out when it was exactly that he had noticed Bobby had withdrawn from the world they usually shared, and disappeared into his own. Hanbin tried to think back to find some clues…

Bobby had been extremely busy lately dividing his time between his solo activities, MOBB and of course iKON and their comeback. Since the Japan tour had finished it had felt like every second day Hanbin had woken up to discover Bobby was gone, off somewhere doing something non-iKON related. Seeing Bobby’s empty bed and mussed sheets in the morning was always a surprise and left hanbin feeling a bit empty and flat until Bobby was back by his side. Usually they had made a point of being up to date with each other’s schedules so they were always prepared for the other’s absence. But the last few weeks it seemed pointless trying to keep each other up to date when their schedules were all so last minute, changeable and chaotic, structured according to a logic that only made sense to YG and their managers. They weren’t about to complain about it though – that was the irony of it all – although being busy was exhausting it was ten thousand times preferable to the stagnant, endless trainee days. 

Hanbin had been crazy busy too. With the comeback pressure building relentlessly he’d simply had too much work to do and too much anxiety to stick to normal working and sleeping hours. Other than rewarding the fans for their loyalty, and of course producing awesome music he could be proud of, it was the promise of more iKON related promotions that kept him motivated and pushing forwards. He was looking forward to the nourishment of time with Bobby which was always more plentiful when IKON was the focus of both of their schedules. There was nothing quite like the seven of them altogether, and with Bobby by his side. In the meantime he took what brief happy moments he could get with Bobby when he saw him and tried not to dwell on how that still never felt enough and how annoyingly needy he could feel himself becoming... 

The first time he had seen Bobby in what felt like ages had been just the night before. It was about 11pm and he was just about to return to the studio after a nap when Bobby walked in the front door with headphones on and a hoodie pulled down over his head. Only his straggly straw coloured bangs peered out from underneath. Hanbin could tell immediately from his slouched posture and the clumsy way he pulled off his Reeboks that he was exhausted. At the time Hanbin had put it down to the usual post-Japan-schedule-tiredness and Bobby’s susceptibility to jet-lag. 

Because of his music blasting from his headphones Bobby didn’t hear Hanbin say hello from the other side of the room. He was about to slouch off in the direction of the bathroom when he spotted Hanbin. They exchanged one of their bizarre but efficient wordless-conversations in which they could read in each other’s faces the subtlest mood changes and thoughts in just a matter of seconds. First they raised their brows and smiled in greeting and both paused for a second where they were. Bobby nodded towards the door as if to say “You’re heading out? I’d hug you but I really, really need to pee, sorry.” Hanbin smiled back as if to say “Yup, all good, get some sleep please and I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, ok?”

…Well there had been nothing weird about that. Bobby had looked dog-tired, complete with eye-bags, dull skin, and none of his usual pep, but that wasn’t out of the ordinary as he’d just stepped off a plane….

…Well, what else could be putting Bobby in such a bad mood…? To be fair this whole situation had come up so unexpectedly, and unlike Hanbin who relished spontaneity Bobby didn’t cope so well with surprises. He was a total sloth when off-duty because he liked to preserve his real fire for the fun stuff, like meeting fans and performing. Being spontaneous interrupted his energy cycle of unwinding and recharging his batteries. 

Was that it then? Was Bobby just irritated because he hadn’t had time to prepare for this random weekend mentally? 

To be fair, Hanbin mused to himself ruefully, he didn’t like having things sprung on him by YG either. It was the like reliving the trauma from the WIN and Mix and Match days….

He rubbed his face with both hands tiredly stifling a yawn and tucked his legs up onto the edge of the car seat. It really had been one hell of a long, weird day. In fact, Hanbin concluded, this was the strangest thing that had happened to them so far during their time at YG.

***

The day had begun with a call from their manager telling Hanbin that a car would be coming around shortly to take Bobby and himself to a meeting with YG regarding their comeback. The anxious nerves had set in immediately and for a few minutes after the call all he could do was sit on the couch, his chin resting on his clasped hands while he stared into space, trying to anticipate what this meeting could be about. Getting Bobby up had been surprisingly difficult. The infamous early-riser was as stubborn as a sleepy toddler, growling with annoyance into his pillow until Hanbin informed him it was YG who was demanding to see him. He had frozen then finally started getting ready.

Bobby dreaded meetings with YG almost as much as he did but as they left the dorms Hanbin noticed he seemed more reluctant than ever, dragging his feet and slouching into the car with his hoodie pulled over his head. Hanbin put it down to the same tiredness he had seen in Bobby the night before, and although he wanted Bobby’s reassurance, even to hold his hand for a bit, he decided not to disturb him and just let him sleep in the car. Thankfully Bobby had managed to pull himself together and was his usual polite, reverent self when they sat down before YG in his huge spiral office. Hanbin sat next to him, heart thudding in his throat, waiting to find out what exactly about the comeback needed discussing. 

“So this comeback…” Yang Hyunsuk drawled in his soft reedy voice, “…is taking you longer to prepare for than I expected.” 

Hanbin felt his stomach plunge into what felt like a bucket of icy, cold water. What a great start. 

“It seems to me that the song-writing process is becoming really drawn out and I think this might be because there has been a decrease in the amount of time you are all working as a team. Remember, teamwork was always iKON’s forte.”

They nodded uncertainly. Where was this going?

“Hanbin you are the lead song-writer and you need plenty of energy and inspiration to compose good music for this comeback. From what I understand, you draw a lot of energy from Bobby? Is this correct?”

“Y-yes” Hanbin stuttered in surprise. Bobby and he hadn’t had song-writing time just the two of them for ages because of the conflicting schedules, and yeah, he had really missed it to be honest. YG was uncannily perceptive sometimes, Hanbin had to hand it to him. Even though he scared the shit out of him it was like YG sometimes understood him better as an artist than he did himself…

“Well I think that MOBB’s schedule has meant Bobby has not made a sufficient contribution so far to this comeback and we need to change this.” YG’s cold words hung in the air dangerously. They sounded harsh to Hanbin and he imagined they sounded even worse to Bobby but he didn’t dare look to see how he’d taken them. 

“So what I have decided is this,” Yang Hyunsuk paused looking between them intently, alerting the boys to the fact that something out of the ordinary was about to happen.

“I have spoken to Tablo about my concerns regarding your progress. As one of your mentors he knows both of you well as artists and as people. I thought maybe he could give me insight into what has been holding you up. He suggested that you two need to spend some more intense creative time together to move this song-writing process along. Bobby, I need you assume greater responsibility. I think some of the skills you have developed in MOBB will be of use to iKON’s comeback. I expect both of you, iKON’s rappers, to work together and draw upon your chemistry to produce some good music. 

“So, Tablo and I agreed you two both need a change of scene and uninterrupted time to activate this creativity. At first I was going to send you both to work in a different local studio but Tablo has very generously offered his holiday home in the countryside – it’s about an hour’s drive outside Seoul – it’s very nice. And of course, he has an excellent recording studio there.”

For a several long, awkward seconds neither of the boys could summon an appropriate reaction. Hanbin snapped out of his shock first, bowing and offering his thanks, Bobby following his lead straight after. 

“So, for your discretion you will be borrowing a company car with an ordinary license plate and tinted windows and I have been told that leaving around 3 o’clock will get you there in plenty of time before it gets dark. Any questions?” Yang Hyunsuk regarded them with his usual impassive face. So this really wasn’t a joke, it was real.

“Sir, when exactly will we be going?” Hanbin asked tentatively. Yang Hyunsuk broke from his serious demeanour and chuckled. 

“Oh, I didn’t make that clear? Today, this Friday afternoon. You will come back Monday morning.”

Hanbin nodded robotically, everything was slowly sinking in…

“Sir, will Tablo be at his house?” Bobby asked.

“No, you will have the house to yourselves without distraction or interruption. Tablo and his family have just left to go on holiday overseas but he has told me he will contact you both directly regarding any specifics about the house you need to know. He mentioned a few things about operating the sound booth in particular.

“Oh and one last point I would like to make clear,” YG’s tone was suddenly severe again, “this is a huge honour from your mentor. Use your time wisely so we can make this comeback a reality, or else I am going to have to push it back indefinitely.” The boys nervously offered their thanks once again and promised to try their best. 

“Ok, you can return to your dorms now and pack, take warm clothes. Even though it is warming up I’ve been told it is still colder there than here in Seoul. Have a good weekend.”

Upon leaving YG’s office Hanbin had turned to Bobby with broad smile of disbelief and grabbed him by the shoulders to give him an excited shake.  
“What the hell? This is crazy! Tablo is the fucking best!” Bobby’s reaction wasn’t what Hanbin had been expecting. He smiled weakly and gently pulled off Hanbin.  
“Yeah….it’s just bad timing, that’s all…” 

Watching Bobby then trudge down the hallway Hanbin felt a little disappointed and confused. Surely Bobby realized what an amazing opportunity this was? A weekend away on Tablo’s countryside property! A chance to get away from the comeback anxieties haunting their dorm and a chance to be creative in a different environment – the training rooms had been feeling particularly claustrophobic lately. There had been one last underlying and undeniably exciting implication regarding this weekend alone: three days and three nights together, all to themselves…but Hanbin was getting the feeling that romance was the last thing on Bobby’s mind and that kinda hurt..

***

Now, here they were, an hour outside Seoul hitting the highway at an easy 100 k/hr and Hanbin was still pretty sure romance was the last thing on Bobby’s mind. Hanbin took another quick glance Bobby this time noticing his tight knuckles gripping the gearstick. He had been heavy on the accelerator and break today - not to mention the swear words. Leaving the city had truly been a battle of nerves between Bobby and everyone else on the road. There had been several times when Hanbin had simply surrendered to the fact that his life was over, closed his eyes, gripped the armrest of his seat and braced himself for contact. However, Bobby hadn’t forgotten that the slick black 4WD he was in charge of was a company car. Somehow that knowledge alone was keeping them safe against the odds. 

Hanbin knew what he should do about this weird situation, rather, he knew what Bobby would say he should do about this kind of situation: “Just talk about it, be honest, talk it out.” Hanbin hated being the first one to initiate difficult conversations like this. He just felt so exposed and full of doubt. As soon as he went to open his mouth about what was on his mind he suddenly felt like it was all in his head and the other person would think he was crazy or needy. In this moment however, with Bobby obviously caught up on something he really needed to bite the bullet and say something. For a while Hanbin squirmed in his seat nervously, trying to build up the confidence. You’re always telling me to open up, to be up-front with you, so here goes…

“Hey, is everything ok?” he asked Bobby, trying to keep his tone cool and nonchalant. 

“Yeah, all good,” Bobby replied quickly. Too quickly, Hanbin noted feeling unsettled. Instead of being reassured that Bobby was simply over-tired and would snap out of this mood as soon as he got a another good night’s sleep, now Hanbin just felt more convinced there was something else going on that Bobby had no intention of sharing with him. 

But what on earth would Bobby not want to share with him? If Bobby was angry with him (which literally happened so rarely Hanbin couldn’t even remember the last time they had a serious fight) he would have said so by now - that was Bobby’s style. That was one thing he loved so much about Bobby, how honest he was, wearing his heart proudly on his sleeve so Hanbin always knew where he stood with him. 

…Jiwon never lets misunderstandings drag out…if he was truly angry with me we’d already have had make-up sex by now…

…So, if Jiwon isn’t angry with me, then why else is he in a bad mood…? 

Hanbin suddenly remembered when they left YG’s office that morning – Bobby had muttered something about poor timing…what did he say?

“…it’s just bad timing…”

Well, there were a few things he could have meant by that…

Maybe Bobby just really didn’t want to be going on this trip? That was kind of hurtful, because Hanbin was still clinging to the hope that the next few days could be awesome. Maybe that was it though? Maybe this mood was all just down to bad timing because Bobby had just wanted to rest this weekend. But then again, they all did and Bobby wasn’t one to complain about working hard. Long ago back in the first year of being a trainee Hanbin had watched Bobby learn the harsh realities of what it took to debut quickly and without complaint. 

Or maybe it was bad timing because Bobby had wanted to see his family this weekend and he resented that now he couldn’t? Still, that didn’t really make sense either because Bobby usually planned seeing his family well in advance and Hanbin always knew when those reunions were coming up because Bobby would always tell him in excitement….and Hanbin would help him count down the days till Bobby saw them, that was what they always did…

Hanbin felt more bewildered than ever.

…There’s definitely something wrong, but you don’t want to tell me…and it’s not because I have done something wrong and upset you…but whatever is going on means you don’t want to have this weekend away with me because of bad timing…

Suddenly Hanbin thought of something. His blood ran cold, his heart beat became a painful thud, and he became aware of each breath feeling more shallow and weak. He knew he was jumping to the worst possible conclusion but it was too late, the idea was there now... Was it that Bobby’s feelings towards him changed and he couldn’t bring himself to tell him….? They had been spending the last few weeks apart more and more often…

No, no, no, no. Nope. Impossible. Hanbin erased the idea from his mind, literally shaking his head as if to send the thought flying out one ear. That idea was simply too terrible (and stupid – damn his brain!) to even consider. 

He decided he would just try again later to get Bobby talking when he had rested. They would talk out whatever was going on and move on…but still, Bobby’s uncharacteristic refusal to confide in him had shaken his confidence. 

A mass of anxious words and phrases began stubbornly running through Hanbin’s mind and he pulled his notebook out of his pocket to scribble them down hoping that might somehow tame them. Anyway, maybe they would end up being useful for late night lyric writing? If he was going to be an anxious mess he may as well make some use out of it. 

Love – there’s nothing like it. There really is no other experience so defined by its extremes.  
When it’s good, it’s unbelievable. It’s everything the songs, books and movies talk about. And more.  
But when love is bad?  
Well, it fucking sucks.

He slipped the notebook away. Bobby was usually obsessed with his notebooks, nagging him to give him a look, even trying to steal them when he wasn’t looking. But the distant Bobby at the wheel today hadn’t even noticed. That hurt too…

The highest point of the sky was just starting to bleed into an electric cobalt blue, the colour perfectly matching Hanbin’s mood. Fortunately the GPS hadn’t made any alarming noises yet to tell them they were lost. He just hoped they’d reach the house before night fell -- He hated arriving places when it was dark, it made him feel depressed. 

Following the robotic instructions of the GPS they were finally alerted to take a turn off the highway and started down a long drive through a forest of birch trees. Through the gaps between the grey and white patched trunks Hanbin caught flashes of the house and the anticipation began to build. The trees eventually thinned out, the road opened up and then they were driving towards a hill, the road lined by more fields sprinkled with white flowers and tall grass. A stunning mountain range and a forest framed the sprawling piece of land and before it looking out onto the fields was Tablo’s house. It was a large grey, modernistic building with three levels, each a minimalist concrete structure anchored on an angle to the one below. Huge full length windows featured on each level to make the most of the beautiful scenery. Timber details gave the place both a rustic and futuristic look. It was incredible. It was totally surreal that they were staying here for the weekend…

Hanbin came to his senses and realised Bobby had stopped driving – he too was staring with his mouth hanging open. Bobby finally shook his head in disbelief and took off with an impatient burst of speed. Hanbin had hoped for a joke or a string of swear words but they continued on in silence. 

Entering the house was another experience altogether. It wasn’t so much awe as terror as they fully realised the gravity of the situation – they were unsupervised in a house full of beautiful, expensive things, all of which belonged to Tablo… What if they broke something?? Hanbin immediately decided that if that happened he would have to fake his death and flee to some obscure far-away country to disappear forever from shame. Unless…He suddenly had a ridiculous vision of himself and Bobby walking around the house covered head to toe in chubby space-suits made of bubble-wrap and he smiled to himself. Jiwon looked so cute! Usually he’d share his zany thoughts with Bobby who found him hilarious no matter how odd his imagination was, but that didn’t seem like an option right now. 

The house had an open-floor plan with beautiful polished concrete floors and a grey and white colour scheme. It was luxurious without being ostentatious and minimalist without being uncomfortable. There was a huge white marble fireplace and several black sofas in the loungeroom area, huge grey bookshelves housing rows and rows of books organised by colour, a beautiful glass coffee table containing live plants, and a giant painting on the wall that upon closer inspection turned out to be the work of the creative child genius Haru. Apparently, the mass of bright scribbles and splashes was a portrait of Haru’s mother. Adorable. Over to the side there was a huge open kitchen mostly made up of polished concrete and chic black marble, with overhead cupboards containing artistic wabi sabi-style cups and plates. On the other side of the kitchen there was a hallway leading no doubt to more incredible rooms, and on the other side was a huge flight of industrial steel stairs that must have been imported straight out of an old factory. The place was effortlessly cool and totally charming - just like Tablo, Hanbin concluded approvingly. 

Their footsteps made soft echoes in the large space as they wandered around in silent awe and the last glimmers of golden afternoon light hit the walls through the floor-length windows casting a dreamy glow that filled the entire space. The view through the windows was so pretty it filled Hanbin a deep happy longing. Forgetting his worries for a second Hanbin turned excitedly to Bobby. 

“If this is the first level what are the other two like??” He gestured to the stairs, suggesting they keep exploring but Bobby, looking rather worn-out with his backpack slung over one shoulder and his eyes small and pinched with tiredness, hesitated. 

“To be honest, I just wanna sleep…” Bobby mumbled avoiding his gaze.

“Oh yeah, sure. You’re tired…” Hanbin said trying to ignore his disappointment. Without another word Bobby trudged tiredly down the hallway. Hanbin heard him open and close a few doors until he found a bedroom. Light lit up the dark hallway for a second as Bobby obviously found the switch then disappeared as he softly closed the door behind him. 

Hanbin took a long hot, but rather lonely shower in a palatial bathroom he found down the same hallway, trying not to overthink Bobby’s actions and dwell on his intensifying feelings of hurt and anger. Bobby was probably just tired, that was it…but he didn’t have to be so cold! He got dressed and walked into the kitchen, looking around nervously with wide eyes, half expecting to be intercepted by security guards on the way asking him who the hell he was and what he thought he was doing here in Tablo’s house. The kitchen was overwhelming in every sense. Hanbin would never have previously considered calling a fridge ‘beautiful,’ and yet that was the only way he could describe it. It was loaded with food: meat, eggs, fresh noodles, fruit, vegetables, fish….it was amazing and looked delicious but he had no idea what to do with it all. Despite the time his dad and Uncle had recently taken to improving his cooking skills he still had trouble pulling things together unsupervised. He needed Bobby – surely now he would be feeling better after having settled into the house a bit more and had time to finally gather his thoughts…?

He knocked on the door Bobby had disappeared into. There was no answer. He pushed the door open slowly to find the room in complete darkness. From the sound of soft snores it was clear Bobby was asleep already. Hanbin suddenly felt angry. He knew Bobby was tired but he resented the fact that he was going to have to get the song-writing process started alone. He had been so relieved at the idea that Bobby would be with him, brainstorming with him, writing with him. It was a far less stressful and lonely process that way and they really had so much to do there wasn’t any time to waste. Now here they were, the first night into this song-writing marathon, time was flitting away and Bobby was sleeping through it. 

It also seemed odd and out of character…where was the Jiwon who couldn’t wait to get into the recording studio and create new music? 

Hanbin found Tablo’s studio with little difficulty. It was on the second floor with a huge white door marking its place. Hanbin opened it tentatively, both excited and terrified what he would find within. There was a beautiful grand piano, a huge white desk featuring several Mac desktops and high-end headphones, a large sound-booth, several standing microphones, a vast array of speakers and switchboards, and an amazing wood panelled acoustic ceiling. There was also a small hallway leading to what appeared to be another part of the studio. Hanbin walked through to find a stunningly simple white room with high ceilings, massive bookshelves, a huge white sofa and full length windows looking out onto the countryside view. 

Suddenly his phone buzzed – it was a message from Tablo.

>>So you find the house ok? What u think??<<

>>Yeah found it no problems! This house is fucking incredible!<<

>>Hell yeah!! Message me if you have any questions. How’s Bobby?<<

Hanbin hesitated, not knowing how to answer Tablo’s question…

>>I will and thank you again. I have no idea how I can thank you. Bobby is good<<

Suddenly a short clip of Haru came through from Tablo, she was splashing about in a sparkling pool wearing her usual imperious facial expression. Hanbin smiled, she reminded him so much of Hanbyul. 

>>Tell Haru hi from me!<<

There was a pause then:

>>She says you need to write songs now kkkkkkkk! Good luck B.I.!<<

Feeling nervous and mildly disoriented he sat down at Tablo’s desk and turned on the computer. For a second he tried to collect his thoughts and get into the right headspace but it was hard. When things weren’t right with Bobby nothing seemed right….

Actually, that gave him an idea…He began writing. 

***

He woke up slowly, looking around with his hair fluffy and wild, struggling for a second to remember where he was. Since he’d hit the air con Tablo’s studio had become surprisingly cozy and he had quite literally fallen asleep on the job. He realised sadly that he still hadn’t finished the song he was writing…he needed another verse at least and the bridge just wasn’t that great. He checked the time. 2am. Fuck. He would work for another hour…then crash….

The hour passed painfully slowly but he made some progress. For some reason it seemed that being annoyed and hurt with Bobby was giving him some creative momentum. 

The long day finally caught up with him and suddenly he just had to sleep. Rather than head downstairs and deal with the issue of whether or not to hop into bed with Bobby he wandered over to the other side of the studio and collapsed onto Tablo’s extremely comfortable white couch. He noticed a big woollen blanket folded up on the shelf overhead and he pulled it over himself. Things would be ok with Bobby, he tried reassuring himself. This was just a weird day and Bobby needed sleep. Bobby would be ok. He would be ok. They would be ok. Everything would be ok.


	2. Wake Up Call

>>THWUMP<<

Bobby jumped awake as something huge and heavy landed on his head. 

“Wha-?” He pulled the large pillow off his face and heard Hanbin’s sharp voice.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” Bobby rubbed his eyes dopily with his hair getting in the way and finally looked up sleepily. Hanbin was standing next to the bed looking totally pissed off. There were basically storm clouds and lightning bolts swirling around over his head. 

“Do you??” 

“…What?” Bobby mumbled confused. 

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?” 

“Shit, Bin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I will be up in a second, It’s just that…I’m just really…” Bobby hesitated, struggling to go on. 

“You’re just what?”

“…Nothing, nothing.” Hanbin stared at him looking confused. There was also a flash of disappointment in his eyes, as if Bobby had just told him a blatant lie but didn't want to humiliate him by calling him out on it.

“It’s 11 already…” Hanbin said softly and walked out of the room. Bobby groaned as he started to sink deeper and deeper into guilt. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There was nothing worse than letting Hanbin down – he was always going on about Hanbin not taking care of himself – next moment he was leaving Hanbin to do all the work. He was such a hypocrite!

Until Hanbin, Bobby had never met someone so utterly riddled with contradictions: touchy-feely but shy; charming but aloof; charismatic but awkward; sensitive but harsh; ambitious but fatalistic; intelligent but impractical; responsible but mischievous…the list went on and on. 

This moment was highlighting yet another one of these endless intriguing, confusing contradictions. On one hand Hanbin was incredibly gifted when it came to making people feel special. With the simplest touch, such as an innocent hug or a stroke of the cheek or a hand on the back of a neck, Hanbin could make people feel so loved and chosen. Those random moments where Hanbin reached out for physical reassurance still made Bobby so soft and light-headed, and he knew the rest of the boys went crazy for them too, even if they liked to deny it. On the other hand though, when it came to respecting the emotional and physical limitations of others…Hanbin just wasn’t so good…he could also make people feel like they were such a disappointment…

Bobby knew all too well that no one worked themselves harder than Hanbin. It was one of the reasons he loved Hanbin, but it was a double-edged sword because it also meant Hanbin just couldn’t understand what others were complaining about when they expressed exhaustion. When people got colds or were seriously sick, that was different, Hanbin was understanding and very caring, even protective. However when it came to being burnt out…or just needing to take a day off….Hanbin just didn’t get it. Bobby knew from many previous experiences that in Hanbin’s mind everything was simply a case of ‘you work till you break and even then, you still keep working.’ It was hard when Hanbin made him feel like he wasn’t enough…it rarely happened but maybe that’s why it hurt so much when it did, it was a shock…

He was just so burnt out though…he could literally feel the tiredness in every bone and atom of his body. The schedule of the last few months, constantly back and forth from Japan, had totally drained him. He felt like his brain had been carved into three parts – BOBBY, MOBB and iKON – and each of those parts were being pulled further and further away from each other….it was taking everything he had to keep focussed. He loved what he did, none of it was a burden not at all, but it was draining needing to be the best version of himself 24/7. There were the rehearsals, the performances, the fan meetings, the photoshoots, the promotional events, the planes and trains, and worst of all the endless waiting of the in-between-event moments when he finally noticed the tiredness in his body but didn’t have long enough to nap or rest.

If he’d had his way he would have gone straight from the airport the night before to his parents place. He would have crashed at theirs that night and spent Saturday and Sunday with them. Whilst on the plane returning from Japan he'd had idyllic visions of the weekend to come: lazing around the house, eating with the whole family together, gaming with his brother and catching up on his life, joking around with his mum and sneaking in as many of her amazing hugs as possible, watching basketball with his dad and talking about life…but no. Of course YG had other plans. YG had vaguely promised Bobby a weekend of rest after jetting back and forth from Japan a few months back but now he was supposed to be wracking his brain for new songs!?  
...Seriously, any other time YG, any other time and this would have been awesome. This weekend though? Fuck it, I just want to sleep… Then on top of the burn out there was the other thing on his mind…the other thing that hurt to even think about…the other thing he needed to tell Hanbin but couldn’t bring himself to…

…Maybe I should have just said it then when he asked, said what was on my mind when I had the chance. He was just there staring at me wanting to know. What the fuck is wrong with me…why didn’t I…fuck, have I blown my chance to tell him myself? I don’t want him finding out from someone else…

Bobby felt angry with himself that he hadn’t had the courage to be honest, but he also couldn’t help being disappointed in Hanbin…He knew it wasn’t fair to expect Hanbin to read his mind but he wished Hanbin had stayed...he wished Hanbin had sat down next to him on the bed, better yet cuddled up next to him, and forced him to spill what was on his mind – after all that’s what he always did with Hanbin – always reassuring him that he really did want to hear what was on his mind, no matter how anxious or depressing it was. Sometimes he wished Hanbin would put up more of a fight, try harder to understand him, the good with the bad...after all, he too had things that were hard to talk about sometimes…like this…

Bobby sat up in the bed, his head spinning with prickly lights dancing behind his eyes. He hated doing it but maybe he needed to confront the reason WHY he didn’t want to tell Hanbin. Urgh, this kind of thinking hurt his brain and made him so depressed. He hopped in the shower, and as he had hoped by the time he was out and drying himself off he had managed to come to a clearer understanding of the situation.

…He couldn’t bring himself to tell Hanbin what was weighing him down, even though it was hella obvious Hanbin was wondering what the fuck was going on, because the reality was…he just wasn’t sure whether Hanbin would handle the information the way he needed him to…What if he brushed it off? What if he dismissed it as unimportant…what if he pretended he didn’t care? He just didn’t know how Hanbin would react and he hated that feeling more than anything. Hanbin was his, and he was Hanbin’s – surely that meant they should know everything that was important to one another right??

Now dressed he flopped back down onto the bed to have one last moment to relax before he got to work. The bed with its silky charcoal grey sheets was so warm, soft, and lush. Tablo, you’re one lucky guy to have all this…maybe I will have all this one day…Or at least I’ll make sure my parents do…he couldn't help smiling at the thought…

…He opened his eyes and for a few seconds it felt like he was coming up from somewhere dark and far away like the bottom of the ocean. Then he noticed the orange glow of the bedroom and with a heart-stopping stab of shock he realised he’d fallen back to sleep again. He scrambled clumsily to his feet in a panic. He looked out the floor length window, then checked then checked the time on his phone… Shit, he had really screwed up now…oh god, poor Hanbin!

“Hey…” He murmured as he jogged into the studio. Hanbin, who was at the computer with headphones around his neck and writing furiously, didn’t respond.

“What're you working on….?” Bobby asked timidly, clinging to the hope that Hanbin might just let his sleep-in slide..

“Why didn’t you come get me?” He smiled, trying to make a joke out of the whole situation. Having a sense of humour and a flirtatious tone usually worked wonders but Hanbin suddenly spun around on his chair, looking up at him with black eyes blazing with disappointment and hurt.

“I DID come and get you. Then you fell RIGHT BACK TO SLEEP, JIWON!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry…I’m here now,” Hanbin’s eyes narrowed coldly. “Look, bin, I was really fucking tired. If I didn’t sleep I would have been useless anyway.”

“How do you think I feel? I’m also really fucking tired! I was up till 3 in the morning writing this fucking song while you slept like a baby!” Bobby cringed.

“Can you calm down? Let’s just get to work.”

“It’s like you don’t care about this!” Hanbin was seething now and he couldn’t seem to stop the words coming from out his mouth. “It’s like you don’t care about Ikon anymore! What’s going on? You planning to leave us or something?” Bobby froze and Hanbin realised he had gone too far. That was one line they had implicitly promised to never, ever, ever cross…to accuse the other of not caring about iKON or even worse of leaving Ikon. 

The truth was Hanbin knew Bobby would die without iKON, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind about it, never had been, never would be. What Hanbin had really wanted to yell at Bobby was “Why don’t you want to be here with me?!?” but somehow accusing Bobby of not caring about Ikon came out instead…maybe it was easier to accuse Bobby of the impossible than to accuse him of the real worry that was haunting him right now…that Bobby had fallen out of love with him. Truth be told he was feeling petty and just wanted to Bobby to feel as hurt as he did right now…but as always he had gone too far. He could feel himself blushing like mad. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever said...Let’s get to work.” Hanbin couldn’t look up from his two sweater paws sitting awkwardly in his lap. 

Bobby was shaken and trying to process Hanbin’s harsh words. He didn’t care about Ikon? Was he going to leave Ikon? Woah. Ok, so those words had to have come from a seriously bad place…he knew Hanbin was stressed by the comeback pressure, and he knew not to trust the words that came from that place of stress and tiredness…

Hanbin had accused almost everyone of not caring enough about ikon before, it was his weird way of motivating them, reminding them of what they valued, how much they wanted what they had. But he had never tried that on Bobby before – he had never needed to. So what the fuck? To accuse him of leaving Ikon? Where had THAT come from. That was seriously heavy.

If they had had more time Bobby would have literally gone over to the studio and door and locked them both in until they had talked things out. There was no way he would normally let something this serious come between them…he would tell Hanbin everything on his mind…and Hanbin would tell him everything on his…but there just wasn’t time. YG was expecting songs, the comeback was waiting. Bobby took a deep breath and sat down next to Hanbin. 

“Forget it. Let’s go, Bin, show me what you’ve got.”


	3. Good News vs. Bad News

Several hours had passed by in Tablos’s studio and finally they were getting somewhere. It was a huge relief. 

“Hey that sounds cool, play that again.”

“I’m thinking let’s change this…”

“Does this sound stupid to you?”

“Nah, I want to go for a different sound…”

Hanbin had managed to pull together some lyrics and Bobby had mixed a track. They were now putting the two together in what was both an exciting and tedious process. 

Things weren’t exactly merry between them and they certainly weren’t talking like normal, but there was a calm, studious feel in the room. They were both silently relieved to discover that despite ongoing tensions they could work together creatively just as well as ever. For two whole hours they had been able to forget their worries and completely focus on the song, figuring out its meaning, how they wanted it to sound, and what mood they wanted it to evoke. Hanbin was the master architect, brilliant at creating unique concepts and finding just the right words and phrases to execute them. Bobby with his wild musical intuition was terrific at adding the just the right beats to give the song energy. They worked in an effortless give and take process, able to pick up easily wherever the other left off because they knew each other’s musical and artistic approach almost as well as they knew their own. No feedback was taken personally - a miracle considering it was all too easy to project unresolved emotions onto the collaboration process – and they listened to each other respectfully and attentively as they took turns recording their verses.

It was a shame they weren’t in a very good place, Bobby lamented to himself as he stepped out of the sound booth to swap with Hanbin, because the creative chemistry flying between them could have led to other excellent things for later that evening…

Everyone went on about their chemistry chemistry on stage but Bobby often secretly wished the fans could see their chemistry when it was just the two of them in the recording studio. He liked to think that would really get the fans going – seeing them both glued to their desks in dark moody studios, looking so intensely thoughtful and serious, slaving away over the art that was hip hop to bring them new and exciting tracks just for their pleasure! The thought never failed to make him smile happily to himself. 

A few times when Bobby was busy with his eyes glued to the screen Hanbin snuck the quickest of glances at him, trying to read in his face any hint of what he was really feeling. Bobby seemed ok on the surface but Hanbin knew there was no way his awful outburst before had been forgotten. He was thankful for the work at hand or else there would have been no way to distract himself from the bubbling embarrassment and guilt…

Another 40 minutes passed and it looked like they finally had a complete track.

“Ready?” Hanbin asked. Bobby pressed send on the text he had just finished writing and nodded.

“Hit it.”

Hanbin pressed play. They both sat in their chairs with arms crossed across their chests, staring into space, listening carefully without exchanging so much as a look or word. Once the last beat finally faded away Hanbin let out a long sigh of satisfaction and relief then leaned forward and buried his face in his arms on the desk. It was good, really good. 

Bobby stretched his arms behind his head and indulged in a long happy stretch. He couldn’t help smiling, it felt great to be making music to call their own again. Also, now that things were coming along well and they were both heading into a better mental space, Bobby had decided to tell Hanbin what was on his mind….

He knew it would be hard, and his stomach was churning nervously, but he felt lighter already knowing that soon the misunderstanding between them would be over and forgotten. But before he told Hanbin he just needed to find the words to say it properly…

“Oh my God, sooo hungry! I need food – I’ll bring you something?” Bobby asked Hanbin standing up to head downstairs to the kitchen

“Yeah, sure, anything....” Hanbin murmured not taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. Bobby knew that look. Hanbin was fighting the urge to look for problems with the track that no doubt didn’t even exist. 

“Hey, don’t touch that song until I get back! It’s good…it’s really good. Ok, Bin?” Hanbin smiled weakly, only meeting Bobby’s eyes shyly for a second and nodded. Before leaving the room Bobby quickly picked up his phone, checking for any replies, then raced down the stairs humming the brand new song. 

Hanbin didn’t know how to feel, he was confused. He wandered over to the other side of the studio where he had slept the night before and stood before the giant window. He leant his forehead against the cool glass and took in the sight of the beautiful fields below, the many shades of green and grey of the forest encompassing the property, the mountains mysterious and ashy blue in the distance, and the sky creamy and pink as another stunning sunset rapidly approached…he wanted to go for a long walk, run his hands over a tree trunk or something, find a pine cone and breathe in its musky perfume…that would be nice…..Maybe later if things return to normal with Jiwon…

Though maybe things weren’t as bad as he thought they were. After all there was good news: he was working with Bobby as well as ever, perhaps even better now they had both matured since writing their last album…they had a complete track already, prepared it in record speed and it was fucking awesome…and also, they were talking again…

But there was still bad news. His heart sank and he returned to his desk, sitting down with a sigh. There was still something off about Bobby. He didn’t know what it was, but he just felt different, like he was carrying a secret that had aged him ten years or something...It scared him that Bobby was withholding something from him that obviously so important to him.

It was no good. The bad news won out and had stolen the headline. Without the song-writing to distract him catastrophic thoughts and conspiracies begin to flash through his mind again so relentlessly he was almost starting to believe them…

…He doesn’t love you anymore…

…He wants to keep his distance from you…

…He just wants to be friends…

…He has met someone else…

…He can’t bring himself to tell you…

Stupid, stupid, stupid! He will tell me what’s up when he’s ready…and it WON’T be that! There will be a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he’s been in such a weird mood…

A violent buzz startled Hanbin out of his anxious reverie. He looked down and saw that Bobby had left his phone near the computer keyboard in front of him. The phone had lit up and a short text message from Jinhwan began unfolding across the lock-screen. It was literally only a handful of words but what Hanbin saw sent him into shock. He stood up feeling the floor tilt violently beneath his feet and silence takeover as if he had just tumbled into a sound vacuum. His heart had lost control, pounding away in his chest to the sickening beat of “You were right, you were right, you were right.” 

Just then Bobby walked back into the studio munching on a glossy apple, another one in his hand for Hanbin and plenty more snacks tucked under his arms. But Hanbin was standing there…staring at his phone looking like he was about to pass out.

“What’s wro-?” But then he realized what had happened. Jinhwan must have replied to his text and of course, because that is how fate works, Hanbin had read it….

***

Friday Morning….

After the meeting in which YG informed them about their weekend mission Bobby and Hanbin had returned to the dorms in silence. Hanbin headed to the training rooms to finish up and grab the stuff he’d been working on, and Bobby had returned wearily to his room to begin packing. He was shoving clothes into his backpack resentfully as if each piece was personally responsible for his predicament when there was a knock on the door. He looked up to see Jinhwan peering at him from around the doorway with his head cocked to one side questioningly. 

“Hey, you okay…?” Jinhwan asked as he walked in and sat down next to the pile of clothes Bobby was flinging about. Here we go…Trust Jinhwan to sniff out a bad mood from a mile away. He’d probably seen my pathetic face through the walls with his x-ray vision...

“hey, Jinani,” Bobby smiled, trying to hide his sulkiness. He playfully mussed Jinhwan’s perfectly permed ginger hair. Jinhwan swatted his hand away, hating how Bobby always insisted on ruining his hair clearly just when he’d had it done. 

“You look awful. Are you jet-lagged?”

“I’m Japan-lagged,” Bobby muttered. Jinhwan nodded knowingly….but he knew there was more to it than that. He could tell just by glancing at Bobby’s downcast side profile that something other than just tiredness had deflated him. There was a weary angriness about him that was out of character for someone who usually tried as best he could to embody his hero Marley’s words: “Don’t worry about a thing. Every little thing is gonna be alright.”

“So…what’s wrong?” 

“I just told you. I’m tired,” Bobby grumbled, failing to sound even the littlest bit convincing. 

“Ok, I’ll try again. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!!” 

“Pfft,” Jinhwan scoffed. 

“Arrrgh! Leave me alooone,” Bobby slumping his shoulders and whining at the ceiling. Jinhwan was annoyingly persistent when it came to emotional stuff and he was too frickin’ tired right now to put up a fight. Also he wanted to finish packing quickly so he could nap before driving all the way to the goddamn countryside…

“It’s Hanbin isn’t it?” To Bobby’s horror he felt himself start blushing. “What happened?”

“No, no, no. We’re good…,” he insisted in an unnaturally high tone. 

“You’re so bad at lying Jiwon it’s actually a skill. It’s to do with Hanbin. Just tell me, you’re going to be spending a weekend together – get it off your chest now or else the next few days will be hell.” Bobby had almost laughed at how true that was. Hanbin often had very little patience for anyone’s unjustifiable bad moods except his own…

Deciding that he’d won from the look of defeat on Bobby’s face Jinhwan gave him a smug wink and got more comfortable on the bed, crossing his legs and resting his chin on his hands as if waiting for him to tell him a good bed-time story. Bobby hesitated, struggling between keeping his and Hanbin’s business between just them…and asking for the help he genuinely needed…

He caved in. When he finished explaining Jinhwan was understanding about Bobby’s disappointment but totally unfazed when it came to dealing with Hanbin.  
“That really sucks, I’m sorry Jiwon, you did your best.” Jinhwan hopped off the bed and gave Bobby a long comforting hug around the middle, resting his fluffy head on Bobby’s shoulder. Then he looked up at Bobby and in a pragmatic tone said “As for Hanbin - just tell him - he’ll want to know.” 

“NO! You serious? I just told you I didn’t want to! I don’t know how he’ll react…and I just can’t take it right now if he does or says something that isn’t…” 

“…supportive? Yeah, I know. But as I said he’s super sensitive….AND he’s going to pick up real quick that you’re keeping something from him…AND he’s going to want to know why you’re in such a shit mood…AND If you don’t tell him why he’ll turn into an anxious wreck…AND then you will suffer the full wrath of neurotic Han-” 

The apartment front door opened with a click. It was Hanbin back from the training rooms.

“Whatever, I’ll deal with it!” Bobby hissed and gestured wildly for Jinhwan to leave. Jinhwan simply shrugged as if to say “suit yourself, but I know I am right.” 

“Text me, let me know how it goes,” Jinhwan said quietly as he left the room. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah….” Bobby muttered. 

Friday Night…

Bobby knew Jihwan had texted him when he was driving to Tablos’ because the felt the buzz of his phone in his pocket – how did he know it was Jinhwan? He just did - he always knew when a text was from either Jinhwan or Hanbin, they had a certain feel about them. Thankfully he was driving so he couldn’t check it and he knew anyway what it would say. He really didn’t even want to think about it….he just wanted time to himself and to sleep. He finally forced himself to read it once he had tucked himself into the big comfy bed in one Tablo’s bedrooms. 

>>Have you told him yet?<<

Bobby stabbed the phone with his thumbs as he texted Jinhwan back angrily.

>>NO. Are you going to nag me about this ALL weekend??<<

>>So I take it then that Hanbin is coping well with your sulking and bad mood?<<

>>……<<

>>told you so<<

>>go away you’re annoying<<

>>Annoying but right<<

>> srsly…?<<

>>love you too. Good night. Tell him xxx <<

>> !?!!??!! <<

>> :) <<

Bobby actually appreciated Jinhwan’s concern and deep down he knew Jinhwan was right – when it came to emotional stuff, Jinhwan was always right. He knew he should just tell hanbin, explain to him why he was so down…why he wasn’t in the mood for this weekend…why he just wanted to be alone…but simply put, he was scared…

It wasn’t until Hanbin’s outburst that Bobby began to seriously consider Jinhwan’s advice. Just as Jinhwan predicted Hanbin was taking his bad mood personally…  
“It’s like you don’t care about Ikon anymore! What’s going on? You planning to leave us or something?”

From time to time as he had worked in the studio mixing the track Hanbin’s harsh accusation replayed in his head, making him feel worse with each loop…  
He knew he had to do something. So when finishing the track seemed only a matter of minutes away, and Hanbin was getting ready to play it back so they could listen to the final version, he had quickly texted Jinhwan for a final dosage of encouragement. 

>>Ok so tell him, you think?? He’s really upset with me and I just don’t want him to be upset anymore…<<

After listening to the final track and before heading downstairs to grab food, Bobby had quickly checked his phone for a reply. Jinhwan hadn’t gotten back to him yet…he was gonna have to do it without his encouragement..

Whilst hungrily digging around in Tablo’s massive walk-in pantry Bobby had been practicing mentally what to say to Hanbin…

“So…look…I’m really sorry I have been in such a shit mood…It’s just well, something has changed recently…and I’m still getting my head around it…I know it’s not something we really talk about…but I really hope you’ll understand what it means to me…and…..cut me some slack?? Be nice to me?? Cheer me up??...eh, just going to have to freestyle that part….

He had grabbed some more snacks and headed back upstairs, hoping that now they had a song Hanbin would be in a more positive frame of mine and be ready to hear him out…But then he had walked in and seen Hanbin, and all of his hopes were gone in a flash….

***

After an agonizing pause in which Bobby stood rooted to the spot in horror he finally darted to the desk, dropping snacks as he went, and grabbed his phone to check the damage. 

>>Just tell him be honest…he will find out soon anyway<<

Oh shit…there were so many ways in which Hanbin could misinterpret that, especially considering he he had just accused him of leaving iKON…and clearly Hanbin had because when he looked up Hanbin was white and shocked, staring at him as if he was a total stranger who had just magically popped out of thin air into Tablo’s studio. 

“Hanbin, it’s not what you think…” He said uselessly as Hanbin turned and strode out the door.

“Get in the car - we’re going back,” called Hanbin, his shaky voice echoing in the stairwell. Bobby had to take a seat, his legs felt light and weak. He cradled his face in his hands wondering why the hell he’d let it happen like this…

…Of course, the MOMENT I leave my fucking phone, Jinhwan replies and Hanbin HAS to fucking see it. Of course….!!!!

As he jogged down the stairs he saw Hanbin striding to the front door with his backpack over his shoulder. Bobby realized Hanbin mustn’t even have unpacked….

Hanbin was hardly thinking, hardly breathing, hardly seing. He was just a whirlwind of emotion, that was all. There was nothing else left, he felt like a hysterical zombie. He opened the front door with a hand that didn’t feel like his own but suddenly Bobby was there pushing him away roughly and slamming it shut. Bobby grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall. 

“Stop, Hanbin, let’s talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arggggh, I hope the flashbacks aren't too confusing and make sense...if I could I would go back in time and change the first chapters to make things easier to read I would...but too late I guess!!! (forgive me, the transition from one-shot to chaptered story has been harder than I expected!)  
> Hope it is enjoyable anyway.


	4. Just Go

In better circumstances Bobby’s hands on him like this would have sent a thrill of excitement all the way through Hanbin’s body but right now his touch just felt like a cruel joke. 

“What? You want to talk now! I asked you yesterday in the car if something was wrong and you said nothing! Clearly it was a lie – you’ve been acting like you can’t stand me ever since we got back from that stupid meeting with YG that got us stuck here!” Hanbin snarled as he pushed Bobby off. 

“Hanbin, seriously, I know I’ve been a dick but pl- ”

“-Anyway, I get it, it’s your decision,” Hanbin spoke over him, looking him straight in the eye. “Seriously, do what you want. I’m not going to hold you back so don’t expect me to.”

Bobby recoiled in surprise. What did he just say? That was…not what he was expecting…. From what he understood, from Hanbin’s earlier outburst and his reaction to the text, Hanbin had somehow convinced himself that he was planning to leave Ikon and that he had been putting off telling him… 

As he’d raced to the front door to stop Hanbin from leaving without before they could talk it out he’d imagined Hanbin breaking down in seconds, asking him why, pleading with him to stay – all before he’d even been able to get a word in about what was really going on - That he had zero intention of leaving Ikon and this was all an insanely stupid misunderstanding! After all, there was no doubt in his mind that’s what he’d do if it was Hanbin planning to leave ikon…

But now Hanbin wasn’t even going to try to convince him to stay? His arms fell from Hanbin’s shoulders to hang limply by his sides. Hanbin looked at him with that awful cold stoicism of his he hadn’t seen since their survival program days.

“Just say it Jiwon. I know what you’re going to say. So just do it already, give me the bad news.” 

Bobby couldn’t believe it. He walked away few paces trying to make sense of it. How could Hanbin seriously be telling him to leave ikon so coldly, so callously, without even a fight to make him to stay – even after all they had been through together?? It was seriously messing with his head…He’d never imagined Hanbin could be so stubborn and petty! He was beginning to doubt things now he’d never imagined he’d doubt before…

“If you’re going to end this…I accept your decision.” Hanbin said impassively. 

That was it. Bobby went to the front door, dashed through and slammed it behind him. He needed fresh air, he needed a break, he needed to calm down. He needed as much space between himself and Hanbin as physically possible. He was done being patient. He was done being misunderstood. He was done trying not to hurt people and then getting punished for it. There was a long path that led from the front of the house to an opening in the large forest that sat around the property. He felt his feet taking him there furiously. As he walked the cold air misted his angry breaths in front of his face, clouding his way. 

He was halfway down the path when he heard jogging and he turned around. Hanbin was standing there in the middle of the path, surrounded by the mist of his hasty breaths. His face was still infuriatingly devoid of emotion. 

“Jiwon, just tell me. Am I losing you.” Hanbin said it not as a question but as an impassive statement. 

“Are you fucking serious?” Bobby asked in exasperation. This was for real but he’d truly never imagined Hanbin would be capable of something as stupid as this…Bobby didn’t know what he was disgusted by most: the fact that Hanbin actually thought he would leave Ikon or that Hanbin wasn’t even trying to stop him from doing so. 

“Tell me if I am. Just tell me, give me a warning. I don’t want it to come as shock.” 

Bobby was too angry to speak. He shook his head furiously, hunched his shoulders against the cold and continued walking towards the forest.

“Jiwon…” Hanbin’s voice was suddenly a pained yelp. It was such a pitiful sound that it rooted Bobby to the spot once again, but he didn’t turn around. The damage was already done - Hanbin had finally shown a side of himself that Bobby wasn’t sure he could justify. There was a pause in which he waited for Hanbin to say something, anything that would undo the incredible hurtfulness of his accusation and the way he was handling it…

…Take it back Hanbin, take back what you said about me leaving ikon and letting me go just like that, just take it back…

He gave it a few more moments but Hanbin remained silent, so he kept walking and for the first time since he’d fallen in love with Hanbin he began to question if they were really suited to one another after all. 

 

******

 

Hanbin watched as Bobby stalked down the path that led to the forest, waiting till his figure had completely disappeared into the dense forest of pine trees. 

…Was this it? Was this how break ups happened? They never taught you about this stuff at school, his parents never sat him down and told him either. He didn’t know how to recognise the signs…

For what felt like a lifetime he stood there with his eyes fixed on that forest path, encased in a numbness so deep that it was terrifying. He couldn’t feel the cold, he couldn’t feel the tears on his cheeks, he couldn’t feel his own heartbeat, he couldn’t feel his fists in his duck-down coat pockets. Finally, as if a spell had broken he turned back to the house and began walking. 

…So is this what heartbreak feels like…?

If so, it was cold, so much colder than he expected…and so empty. It wasn’t the passionate rage he’d seen in films or music videos…or the angsty disappointment he had experienced when he was nineteen and had his first taste of “unrequited love.” It was more like he had blinked and opened his eyes to find himself at the bottom of a deep, dark, freezing pit with no ladder and no chance of escape. It was really weird though, while the pain was overwhelming his thought processes were inappropriately calm and pragmatic….it seemed that now the worst had happened his brain had reset itself and all the anxious thoughts were gone…there was just numbness. 

…well, that’s that then…

…at least the worst is over….

…Better head back to the studio…

… need to get another song ready…

…maybe I could recycle those lines we ended up cutting…

…time is running out…

He sat down at Tablo’s desk and picked up a pen, holding it in his hands and starring at it for a while. He realized he was wasting time with a jolt – what was he doing..? Oh, he needed to find that file, that’s what...He gave the mouse a shake to wake up the Mac… suddenly he realized he’d been staring at the mouse... It was as if now that Bobby wasn’t his anymore everything looked different, strange, unreal... 

He began writing and strangely enough for the first 30 minutes the lyrics came easily and the concept was strong. He took a pause and read over them. They were good, really good. He knew straight away they were going to work but…he felt nothing. No happiness, no relief, nothing at all. 

…What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve just been broken up with and here I am writing songs…but what is the point in this? Like, what is going to happen now…what’s going to happen to Ikon because…because Jiwon and I have broken up….how the fuck could it end like this..?

A hot tear trickled solemnly, almost apologetically, down his cheek, beside his nose and down under his chin. It was followed by another and another shortly after that. He hadn’t cried for so long it felt totally alien, like something his body was doing without his consent on someone else’s orders. His heart was throbbing so painfully now he was sure it must be bruised purple and blue inside. Each breath weighed a ton yet he felt impossibly empty, as if he was just a paper plane and at any moment would go sailing away into the cold winter air and no one would notice.

He winced and clutched his chest as a bolt of pain suddenly pulsed through him. Ok, wow. There it was, no mistaking it this time - this was heartbreak. The shock had obviously passed and now everything was really hitting him. 

He sobbed into his folded arms on the desk in front of him, quietly yet raggedly, as if each sob needed to be torn from his lungs individually, one by one, to be set free.

***

Not usually one for nature - it was nice but not for all the time and definitely not while alone -Bobby had followed the path into the pine forest that sat behind Tablo’s house until it became a dirt track winding slightly uphill. The forest with its huge grizzly trees had an alien but beautiful, prehistoric feel to it. Pine needles cushioned each step and the last of the sunsets pink hues glowed streakily through the trunks. He pushed himself onwards and onwards stopping finally when he was absolutely breathless and his legs were shaking. It wasn’t that steep but somehow the air felt heavier out here, sitting like marble in his lungs because it was so pure and cold. He leant against a tree catching his breath then spotted a path that led to a small lookout. He wandered out onto the outlook marveling at how unexpectedly high up he was. Rejecting the corny looking wooden bench placed to enjoy the view, he scrambled onto a large rock that sat a bit behind and leant back on his elbows. 

….Tablo’s house was over there to the left looking much smaller now and rather deserted…there was the car in the driveway…there was the road that led off the property back to the highway and all the way back to Seoul…there were the fields with their fluffy white pom-pom flowers…there were the creepy looking mountains, some middle-earth shit alright….there was the fucking huge sky and a frickin’ beautiful sunset that looked like a strawberry milkshake...

He sat up suddenly as an overwhelming cringe-attack interrupted his appreciation of his surroundings. 

…What a fucking mess, you fucking moron, Jiwon…this is what happens when you’re not honest with Hanbin…he loses his shit!! But damn him for being so insecure! No…that’s not fair, he loves me and I have been cold...he got scared, he panicked…he does that, the stupid idiot…the stupid idiot who is so fucking full of pride and stubbornness he would rather save face than keep me in IKON..?!

He was still reeling from Hanbin’s unexpected reaction to his leaving iKON - which wasn’t even a thing!!! How ironic, this whole time he’d been keeping his secret from Hanbin because ultimately he was afraid Hanbin would hurt him by letting him down if he didn’t react well…but now, Hanbin reacting to his “leaving iKon” in such a proud and stubborn way had ended up hurting him a thousand times more! It was so infuriating the whole stupid thing. 

He wanted to cry, even wished he could because then he might feel better, but he was just too angry. He waited and watched as the sun set, painstakingly slowly at first, then suddenly all in a rush as if it was late for something. 

What was he going to do….what should he do…where to go from here? He needed to speak to Jinhwan. He got out his phone but there was no connection…of course, he chuckled bitterly. He was going to have to sort this out on his own..

So, how was he supposed to understand Hanbin’s reaction…was there another way to look at it? Was there some other way to interpret it other than prideful, hurtful and disappointing? No…there wasn’t. Sure Hanbin was stressed but this was something else. He still had standards about how Hanbin should treat him after all! He now had to ask himself some tough questions that would cause him a lot of pain…

Could he forgive Hanbin? Just thinking the words made him wince.. Could he give him a chance to take back those words? Could they recover from this?  
The truth was he just didn’t know, they’d never been in a situation like this…in fact he’d never been in a situation like this before relationship-wise with anyone ever!

Another thought ran through his mind….was it worth it? Was it worth fixing things with Hanbin? Or was it best they just go back to being friends as best they could?

That was the ultimate question…was it worth it?

 

***

 

Hanbin had managed to cry himself out of tears. He lifted his face chalky from the salt and wiped a hand across his raw eyes. He swung around on the chair and stared grimly at the studio door knowing exactly what he had to do. He went downstairs, grabbed the warmest jacket he had, pulled on a beanie and scarf, opened the front door and sat down on the big, stone doorstep. He hugged his legs and began waiting for Bobby. 

 

***

 

…..What the fuck are you talking about Jiwon.? Of course it’s worth going down there and sorting this shit out. Hanbin is worth everything and anything...

Hanbin had really disappointed him just now and he was still angry with him, that was for sure. But he loved him, loved him so much it hurt. He’d loved him as soon as he’d laid eyes on him his first day at YG. He hadn’t known it was love straight away, but looking back he realized it had been all along. And now Hanbin had been his for the last few years he couldn’t give him up. So in his mind they didn’t really have a choice, they were just going to have to deal with it and fix things.

But he needed Hanbin to understand why his reaction to his “leaving ikon” was totally fucked. He also needed an apology – a really fucking good one.

He climbed clumsily down off the rock he’d been on for the last forty minutes and headed back, only just able to see his way in the barely there light. He began gearing himself up to give Hanbin another chance…and to do his own explaining… He didn’t feel angry anymore just nervous.

…Don’t let me down Hanbin, I swear to God, don’t you fucking break my heart man…

 

***

Years ago, back when he was still attending high school, Hanbin had hubristically vowed to never, ever, beg someone to take him back after they’d broken up with him. He’d liked the idea that he’d accept fate as it was dealt to him - even in matters of love. In his mind that was how truly wise and dignified people behaved. They didn’t get down on hands and knees and beg someone to take them back. They accepted their loss, stomached the pain, and moved on from it with pride intact. 

But back then he clearly hadn’t known what love was. He also hadn’t known what heartbreak was. Now he did know. His heart was breaking right now on this fucking freezing doorstep and it was a pain he could never have imagined or anticipated. It was as painful as losing WIN, perhaps even more. All his romantic ideas of stoic dignity, calm acceptance and resignation had gone out the door. Desperation and panic had taken over like a wildfire and he was going to try to make Bobby love him again. He wanted the pain to end and to be back in Bobby’s arms, being held there safe and loved again. He wished this had never happened. He wished it was a awful nightmare and he’d wake up any second to roll over and find Jiwon curled up next to him.

So, If he had to he would beg, cry, reason, fight, wail…And if that didn’t work…well, that just wasn’t an option…

 

***

 

…What’s he doing sitting outside?? What an idiot, he’s probably freezing his balls off….

Bobby was walking back down the path from the forest towards the house. It was dark now in the absolute, uncompromisingly way rural areas always are at night. As he drew closer he saw that Hanbin really was looking almost frozen, perched on the black stone step of the house, arms wrapped around his shins, eyes puffy, and the long tip of his nose bright red. As Bobby came closer Hanbin stood up and stumbled to the side on his stiff legs. He’d been in the same position in the cold for quite a while. Instinctively Bobby reached out to steady him and their eyes met awkwardly. Bobby felt himself melt just a little. 

Goddamn it was so hard to be angry at Hanbin! Even when he was being so stupid he was so irresistibly vulnerable and attractive. You just wanted to grab and shake him, throw him against a wall and then kiss him really hard on his stupid, beautiful mouth. But no, he had to keep it together. They needed to work through this.

“Three years of training, two survival programs, nine countries, 15 music awards, 8 music videos, 2 years….” Bobby began listing. 

“And…?” Hanbin asked confused. Bobby felt anger peak again.

“I AM REMINDING YOU OF EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER, WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Is that seriously how you see us?” Hanbin mumbled. 

“What do you mean?!” 

“We’re not just a band…we’re more than that..” Hanbin’s voice broke.

“I know! So much more! So why would I leave?!”

“You’ve made it clear – you didn’t want to be here this weekend – you have hardly spoken to me – you told me back at YG that this weekend was bad timing….and then the text from Jinhwan…I saw it. I knew it, I knew this would happen,” Hanbin finished croakily. 

“What would happen??” Bobby growled warningly. So what, was Hanbin now saying he’d been suspecting him of leaving Ikon for a while? Jesus, for how long? “Fuck it Hanbin, just say what you’re thinking already!”

“That this was too good to be true…”

“I’m not the one who has decided this is too good to be true – you have!” Bobby protested. 

“I should never have given us a go…it’s my fault.” Hanbin didn’t seem to be hearing him at this point.

“We should never have given iKON a go?? What the fuck are you even saying?! We should never have followed our dreams!?” Hanbin looked at him with hurt shiny eyes and trembling lips. 

“Why do you keep saying that? We’re not just iKON, Jiwon…we’re…well we were…but now you have fallen out of love with me, you don’t want this anymore.” Hanbin looked down in a grimace of acute pain. When he looked up tears were streaming down his face. “Don’t break up with me…please,” Hanbin croaked. 

“-Wait, what?” Bobby was totally bewildered now. He couldn’t understand what he’d just heard and Hanbin’s tears were terrible to see – he hadn’t seen him cry in months and months. “What??” He asked again taking Hanbin’s hands. 

“I-I was just saying that...I don’t want this to end, I-I love you…” Hanbin mumbled tentatively taken aback by Bobby’s confusion. Bobby stood for a second with his mouth hanging open and a look of utmost confusion on his face. 

“You think I don’t love you anymore?” Hanbin didn’t dare say anything, he was also confused now.

“Wait you think I’m breaking up with you? Is that what this is about?”

“Yes…I asked you before you ran off and you didn’t deny it!” 

“…JESUS CHRIST HANBIN!” Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s face in both hands and gave him a shake. “I thought you were accusing me of leaving iKON!” Hanbin didn’t know what to do or say, he was lost. 

“I-I’m so confused right now…” Hanbin murmured unable to break contact with Bobby’s intense gaze. 

“Oh my god. Are you serious?” Bobby laughed and whined at the same time, his hands flying up to clasp together behind his head in frustration. This whole time he had thought Hanbin had been accusing him of ditching iKON for MOBB or his own solo work…but in reality he had been accusing him of falling out of love with him!

…actually he didn’t know which accusation was more stupid. Clearly they were both insane.

“Look, I am going to ask you some questions and I need you to answer me! OK??” He demanded. Hanbin looked alarmed but he nodded.

“Did you at any point over the last few days think I wanted to leave iKON?” Bobby asked intensely. 

“No.”

“Did you ever think that I was deliberately spending less time on iKON’s comeback because I wasn’t interested in being a part of iKON anymore?”

“No.”

“Did you think Jinhwan’s text was about me not wanting to tell you I was leaving Ikon?”

“No.”

“….THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT?” Bobby yelled in frustration. 

“YOU TREATING ME LIKE SHIT!” Hanbin yelled back. “Since you got back from Japan you’ve been so cold to me! And then you didn’t want to spend this weekend here with me! It was like you couldn’t stand the idea of being alone with me or something…! You’ve been so moody, and distant…and apathetic!!Of course I began to think you didn’t feel the same way anymore or something! What the fuck…are you laughing, Jiwon?? You asshole!” Hanbin pounded him angrily on the arm, embarrassed, angry tears bubbling from his eyes. 

“I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I just can’t believe this whole thing escalated like this. Fuck. Look…I know I haven’t been the best since I got back from Japan…it’s just, well something happened the night I got back from Japan, before I even got back to the dorms…and well, it was a huge disappointment for me.” 

“…What? Wait, is this what Jinhwan’s text is about?” Hanbin asked anxious again. Bobby might’ve said he hadn’t fallen out of love with him but he wasn’t letting himself get all hopeful yet…he couldn’t take getting his heart broken twice. No fucking way. 

“Just wait, wait, wait, can we go inside? It’s frickin freezing out here.” He ushered Hanbin in the front door and closed it behind him. Hanbin stood in the foyer looking solemn. He knew he owed him an explanation…he knew it was the right thing to do...but jesus he just didn’t want this to open a whole new can of worms…

“Do you wanna go sit down in the loungeroom? I’ll tell you ok…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I got the iKON statistics Bobby listed correct...just tried to make sense of the wiki page. 
> 
> Also hope this wasn't too triggering for anyone :( If so, take care ok??
> 
>  
> 
> And yep...another cliff-hanger. I understand if anyone wants to kill me :S But please keep reading! Trust me on this one lol.


	5. The Last Frontier

Thursday night…

Bobby walked briskly, basically leading Minho and the staff through Incheon airport, keen to get back to the dorms as soon as possible. Thankfully because it was reasonably late there weren’t the usual tidal waves of people, media and fans to wade through. 

The concerts had been awesome, the fans had been as energetic and loving as always, and he and Minho had enjoyed each other’s company. But touring as MOBB just wasn’t quite the same as touring as Ikon with the boys. He missed Hanbin, he missed the rest of the goofballs and he also missed his family. He hadn’t seen them in ages and that always made him feel empty as hell. 

As he flumped down into the back seat of the car he thanked God YG had promised him a weekends rest before launching into Ikon’s comeback preparation. Just then their manager peered over at him and Minho from front seat with his phone pressed to his ear. The way he was looking left them in no doubt the call was regarding MOBB. He and Minho shot each other a look of tired bemusement - lost luggage again? The manager got off the phone and grimaced apologetically. 

“Sorry guys, I know you’re exhausted…but YG is requesting you at his office immediately.”

“What, right now, at 9pm??” Minho laughed incredulously. 

“Yeah, I know. I think he just happened to be there for an event and he wanted to sneak this in quickly while you were both together…” the manager trailed off...“Hang in there, the traffic isn’t too bad, we should be there pretty soon. He said it won’t be a very long meeting so you’ll be back at the dorms before midnight. Just have a rest.” 

Bobby and Minho looked at each other again sharing an internal scream. 

As the vehicle took off Bobby pulled his headphones from around his neck back over his ears, wiggled deeper into the seat and closed his yes. There was no use fighting it but it was irritating. He’d wanted to go the dorms, say hi to the boys and Hanbin, grab some fresh clothes and head straight to his parent’s place…but it looked like now he was going to have to leave that to following morning.

***

Hanbin and Bobby wandered slowly into the huge, warm lounge room, regaining sensation in their limbs now they out of the cold. Things weren’t so tense now the worst seemed to be over but there was the strange awkward silence of unfinished business between them. They were still wrestling internally with some strong emotions but neither wanted those to burst out again in such an ugly way.

Hanbin felt emotionally fried and his nerves were wearing thin. He was feeling the need to run away but he was fighting through it. He wasn’t even really sure he wanted to know what Bobby had to tell him, but he knew he needed to find out if he wanted a chance at fixing things.

Bobby was done, completely over it….but still somehow managing to feel nervous. 

Hanbin was sat down gingerly on one of Tablo’s huge comfortable sofas, looking rather like a stray puppy with his wide hurt dark eyes and his hair flopping everywhere. Bobby stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets as Hanbin stared, waiting for him to say something. 

“So…are you hungry?” Bobby asked. He kicked himself mentally…there you go Jiwon, still trying to delay the inevitable! 

“Yeah, I am. Hungry for the truth.” Hanbin replied completely deadpan. There was a pause while it took a moment for Bobby to realise there was a mischievous glimmer in Hanbin’s narrowed eyes and that he was being stupid. They suddenly cracked up. Hanbin’s tactic had worked, the ice had been broken. “No seriously, you’re freaking me out Jiwon. Just tell me already.”

“I know, I know…” Bobby sighed. He sat down on the coffee table in front of Hanbin and took a deep breath. 

“Look when Minho and I'd arrived back from Japan and were just leaving the airport to return to the dorms we were called to the YG building for a meeting with the boss himself. So we went, even though it was late at night and we were both fucked, and basically he sat us down…and in the most savage five minutes of my life he told us he was planning to disband MOBB.” 

“Oh shit…I don’t get it though…” murmured Hanbin in disbelief. 

“Neither do I…,” Bobby groaned. Just talking about it was making all his feelings about it come back in full force. 

“Did he give a reason?”

“Jesus, where to start…um disappointing sales…poor media response…not viable to continue…more important things to focus on…not the success he imagined…didn’t see a point in pushing it now…blah blah blah! God it’s just so frustrating! All the time I’ve spent on MOBB, all the great stages we put on, the awesome music we made, all the fans we have that want more music…and now he wants us to disband. It kills me….after all the time I ‘ve had to spend away from iKON…and you…and the boys…also it meant I had even less time to see Mum and Dad.. 

I dunno, it just feels like a waste somehow, like something I am really proud of and have made a lot of sacrifices for is being thrown away and I can’t stop that. Not to mention that fact that it’s totally burnt me out - juggling MOBB and Ikon - and I’m not saying I don’t thank God every day I have these opportunities to perform, but I swear…I have never been so exhausted in my life. 

It just sucked so much...when we flew in from Japan all I wanted was a weekend to rest and maybe see Mum and Dad. Then YG hits me with this bullshit about disbanding, saying how disappointed he is, making Mino and I feel like failures when we did the best we could…talking about it as if the whole thing was just some kind of…failed experiment or something?! It has been so much more than that to me and Minho!” He finally drew a breath. It was all coming out in a rush probably because he’d been bottling it up so much. 

“…Then the very next day he calls you and me in, and remember what he said? He basically accused me of not working hard enough on Ikon. So I just don’t get it! I work my ass off for MOBB and get disbanded! I do whatever I can with my left over energy and time for Ikon – and it’s not enough! I can’t fucking win. And I just hate…I just hate I don’t get a say about it…” He trailed off and finally looked over at Hanbin who had been completely silent listening carefully. Hanbin seemed to be studying his face, looking rather sad himself. 

“Do you think he’ll change his mind?” 

“No idea. Minho seems to think so…but that’s Minho…” Bobby laughed bitterly. They both fell silent lost in their own thoughts. 

Hearing Bobby so upset was horrible and Hanbin totally got it. Bobby had given a lot of creativity, energy, time and emotion to something and now it felt like despite all this hard work and having made many people happy…he was being told he’d failed…

Hanbin desperately didn’t want Bobby to feel this way anymore…but he didn’t quite know what to do. He wanted to hold him, but he wasn’t sure they were in the place for that yet. He felt the need to rationalize YG’s decision, try and help Bobby understand why it was done…but apparently rationalizing people’s feelings didn’t work when they were sad – he had learnt that the hard way. 

He was also getting a sneaking suspicion of where this conversation was heading and the coward in him wanted to call it a night, leave it there, make his excuse and run up to the studio and kick out all the worrying thoughts out of his head with work. But the part of him that still felt like he was just managing to hang onto Bobby by a thread told him he needed to do the exact opposite and hear him out... 

“I guess…I should ask then why you didn’t want to tell me about this…” said Hanbin carefully as his stomach churned. He forced his head up and managed to look Bobby in the eye. 

“Yeah I didn’t want to tell you…I really didn’t. That’s how this whole stupid mess happened. Hanbin…I didn’t want to tell you because, well…let me ask you something. Tell me, when was the last time you asked me about MOBB? Just asked me how it was going, how I felt about it, how the last concert was, how Minho and I were getting along?” Awkward silence reigned as Bobby stared at Hanbin waiting for a response. 

Feelings of shame came creeping up as Hanbin realized he actually couldn’t remember asking those questions…ever. Bobby’s tone wasn’t angry or accusatory, it was just sad and bewildered and that made it all the worse.  


“I have to be honest with you hanbin, I feel like you have a problem with MOBB, in fact I feel like you’ve had a problem with it since the beginning.” Bobby could see Hanbin freezing up but they had to talk about. They just had to if they wanted to be together….he pushed onwards and Hanbin listened to him in stony silence.  
“From the moment Minho and I started collaborating you haven’t mentioned it…and whenever I get back home from anything MOBB related you just say “Oh hey, there you are – hey look at this,” or “I need you to work on this” and move on, as if I was never away and as if MOBB doesn’t even exist. At first I ignored it but then I began to notice that whenever it came up as a topic amongst us and the boys you suddenly go silent. Sometimes you even changed the subject. MOBB’s become like this weird taboo topic between us…and it has been for months now…I kept waiting and hoping that you would get over whatever was upsetting you about it..but you just didn't...

So what’s the deal, Hanbin? I want to know because I needed you Thursday night. I was – I still am – really fucking disappointed that YG doesn’t want to do MOBB anymore…and I needed you and I felt I couldn’t go to you …because you act so fucking weird whenever MOBB comes up. I was scared I would tell you what happened and you’d just brush it off, or change the subject, get all distant and not really talk about it with me...and I couldn’t take that. I needed you to…I dunno, comfort me, diss YG with me, tell me MOBB had been great and that I shouldn’t take it personally…tell me that it wasn’t a waste. But I can’t trust you to do that right now.  
I want you to know everything about me the same way I want to know everything about you. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us...I can’t do this if there are, and I think this fucked up weekend has kinda proven that...”

Hanbin shook his head and dropped his face into his hands. He’d been so shit…so shit. Bobby deserved better. The guilt was overwhelming. Suddenly Bobby’s reached over and was pulling his hands away from his face, taking one of them and playing with his fingers, massaging the tips and smoothing over his knuckles and nails, the way he did so often. Why was Bobby being so gentle with him? He didn’t deserve it! Not at all! 

“So I need to know. Why won’t you talk about MOBB with me?” Bobby asked firmly but gently, still holding Hanbin’s hand as if to keep him from running away. “Be honest Hanbin…is it because you’re jealous?” Bobby held his breath as his question hung between them like a deadly, dangling icicle, ready to drop and spear the ground between them any second. Jealousy really was the last frontier between them. They both liked to pretend it wasn’t there...but that clearly wasn’t proving to be an effective strategy. 

The weird thing was Hanbin honestly hadn’t even noticed he didn’t talk about MOBB with Bobby. It wasn’t something he had decided to do or took pride in doing. That’s why this was so embarrassing. He’d actually had the audacity to think he’d been improving as a boyfriend! Now it turns out he just had another ugly blind spot to fix so he’d quit hurting Jiwon all the time!

As he thought back though, revisiting examples of the behaviours Bobby had pointed out, he realised that Bobby was right. They literally hadn’t ever had a proper discussion about MOBB, not an in depth one. He’d put up icy cold fortress walls around the whole topic of MOBB and he hadn’t even noticed how that was upsetting Bobby…he paused, trying to work out how best to answer Bobby’s question. He looked at Bobby, who was as patient and calm as ever. It was time to be honest…really honest. 

“Yes, I am jealous…” Hanbin said slowly and steadily, “…but not in the way I think you think I am…I’m not jealous because you belong to a sub-unit and I don’t. I’m jealous because, well…I just always imagined that our first ever official sub-unit would be…us. You and me. That’s what we’d dreamed about for so long, right? Ever since we were trainees and started crushing like mad on each other…that was our dream. I just never saw MOBB coming, never imagined that your first sub-unit collaboration would be without me…I always just assumed that we would form our first sub-unit together – Ikon’s two rappers. So…I’m not jealous of what you get to do…I’m just jealous that it’s Minho in my place. It’s really hard seeing you and him write music, perform and tour together…because…I just wish it was us, like I always used to imagine it would be.” 

Hanbin’s words were tugging painfully something at in Bobby’s chest and he could feel it unravelling bit by bit. 

“And I feel like it’s my fault. If I hadn’t fucked up SMTM so bad then maybe it WOULD be us together, a sub-unit. But I had to go and screw things up. I really hate myself for that…” Hanbin smiled sadly. 

“Hanbin…” 

“Do you remember how we used to imagine it?” Hanbin asked suddenly smiling animatedly. Bobby couldn’t help grinning back despite the emotion strangling his throat. 

“Remember whenever we were freaking out back stage at SMTM before our performances? And we needed to somehow distract ourselves so we didn’t throw up or anything? Remember how we’d imagine what our sub-unit would be called? And what our music would be like? Remember those stupid concepts we would come up with??” They smiled and cringed remembering those childish ideas then fell back into a sad silence, both processing what had been said so far. 

Hanbin’s words had gone straight to a weak place in Bobby’s heart, the place that had been bruised and disappointed often over the years, always getting hurt again before it had time to heal. Hanbin’s words spoke of disappointment and a dream dashed and Bobby knew those experiences just as intimately. 

But as always because of his intelligent way with words Hanbin had pin-pointed the real issue - it turned out neither of them had properly dealt with the fact that even before they had fallen in love they had recognised in each other a musical compatibility and chemistry that was electrifying….and that once they had finally debuted together, they had both just assumed and keenly awaited being each other’s first sub-unit - But things hadn’t worked out that way…

Bobby’s first sub-unit was with Minho and Hanbin had had to watch from the sidelines…and quickly he had discovered he didn’t deal well with the intense feelings of failure and disappointment that involved. So instinctively, defensively, he’d turned his head away and distracted himself…hurting Bobby in the stupid process. 

Bobby was crying now in husky, shuddery sobs. Now that Hanbin had put it out there, he didn’t have the strength to deny it either for a second longer. Collaborating with Minho had been fun, it really had. And he had honestly wanted to collaborate with Minho at some stage anyway. But just like Hanbin, for years he’d imagined and looked forward to forming his first sub-unit with his best-friend, the guy he loved the fuck out of, the song-writer and dancer his age he most looked up to… 

MOBB had been such an amazing opportunity he’d never felt he had the right to be honest about his disappointment and the guilt he felt at leaving Hanbin hanging – everyone would have thought he was an ungrateful, obnoxious moron – and honestly for the first few months of MOBB he had felt an awful guilt deep down, like he was an imposter or something, like he had scammed people into believing he had deserved it. 

So he had pushed the regret down and worked hard to not let the lost dream of a first ever sub-unit with Hanbin distract him from making great music. He also didn’t want Hanbin to feel even worse if he mentioned it to him…

Hanbin was now smiling and leaning over, using the cuffs of his jumper to softly wipe away the tears that were rolling Bobby’s face. His shuddering breaths were slowing down to hiccups now. He just felt so sorry about it. Just really sorry..

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin cringed. “I have made you so sad for me just now. What a pitiful thing to admit to you, huh? That I wish it was me in Minho’s place? That I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I missed out being in the your first sub-unit??”

“No, no…” Bobby protested through hiccups. “I’m really sorry Bin. I wanted it to be us first too…I really did.” 

Bobby leant his face into Hanbin’s shoulder with a sigh. It was the first time they had touched since this had all begun. Hanbin stroked Bobby’s head, relieved that he was ready to be touched again. Bobby suddenly leaned heavily into his side and wrapped his arms around Hanbin’s middle. They were silent for a while, relishing the moment. It was so heavenly to be holding each other, it was such an incredibly soft contrast to the everything that had happened today…

“You know…we are actually really stupid to be so upset about this, right?” Hanbin laughed. 

“Why?” Bobby asked, smiling into Hanbin’s chest.

“Because it’s not like we will NEVER get to do a collaboration, just you and I, right? Like, at some stage we WILL get our chance – like T.O.P and G-Dragon…and Taeyang and G-Dragon…we will get our turn. It’s inevitable. We might just have to wait a while, that’s all…” 

“I’m glad you feel so sure about it” Bobby murmured happily through a toothy smile. He loved it when Hanbin was so certain and full of self-confidence…it was infectious and actually it really turned him on…

“So I am going to move on, ok. Deal with this…and get over it.” Hanbin pummelled his fist into his other palm to make his point. 

“Anyway, you need to work on your own solo debut…the one YG keeps teasing you with!” Bobby added cheekily, sitting up.

“Yep, I sure do! No more time to waste.” Hanbin was looking bright again. His eyes were cheery, his smile was broad and generous…he was like a happy little fire, burning away next to him cosily. When Hanbin was in moods like this he left no one in doubt he could conquer the world if he wanted. 

“So….just to confirm you’re not jealous of Minho personally?” Bobby asked teasingly, already knowing the answer. 

“What? No. It’s more that I’m just sad you and Minho are collaborating before we got to.”

“…So you’re saying you’re not jealous of Minho at all? You’re not jealous of all the one-on-one time we have together? The sexy photoshoots and promotions? You’re not jealous of our chemistry??” Bobby teased. Hanbin smirked back unfazed.

“Chemistry with Minho? I don’t think we can call that TRUE chemisty…?” Bobby laughed hard loving hanbin’s sassiness. 

“What about the music? You jealous of the music? Come on, our tracks are pretty lit, admit it.” Hanbin gave him a sideways smile. 

“Ok, sure, HOLUP gives me a hard-on every time I listen to it…but it isn’t jealousy doing that, it's something else.” As their shy laughter trailed off it was suddenly apparent that the energy between them had changed. They couldn’t tear their eyes from each other. It was like they were both desperately searching in each other’s faces for a much needed signal. 

“It’s late…do you…do you wanna go to bed?” Bobby murmured with his heart racing...and talking about hard-ons…

Automatically they both stood up. There was a second’s pause and then Bobby went to grab Hanbin’s waist but Hanbin caught his hands.

“Wait,” Hanbin murmured breathily, his lips just centimetres from Jiwon’s. “I just have one more thing I want to say, well ask.”

“What??”

“Do you do still love me more than a friend? Do you still want to be with me? Just to clarify, like, it would be good to be…sure again…” Hanbin’s doe-eyes were genuinely concerned and his pillowy lips were trembling. Bobby couldn’t take it. 

“Of course I freakin’ love you, you moron! You really piss me off sometimes but I don’t think I could fall out of love with you even if I wanted to.” He kissed Hanbin hard on the mouth as he clutched his body against him. They pulled apart just a fraction, both breathless. 

“And you? Do you love me?” Bobby asked croakily. 

“Fuck yes. I love you. And don’t ever stop loving me ok!” Hanbin was in tears again but he didn’t care. Relief was all he could feel from head to toe. There was no room in his head except for the urgent repetition “thank you, thank you, thank you.” He didn’t know who he was thanking – the Gods, fate, or Bobby himself – but he felt like he’d been saved. 

He didn’t know how they got there, he was semi-delirious with joy, but they were now in the bedroom. As Bobby’s warm weight tumbled on top of him, eager hands began to remove his clothes and an urgent kiss bruised his lips Hanbin didn’t think it could get any better. But as always, it did. Every time with Bobby was an agonizingly pleasurable rediscovery that it was possible to feel this good, this right about something. Jiwon’s body moving against his was the most comforting, incredible thing in the world right now and when Hanbin felt him finally tremble, gasp into the back of his neck and hold him so tight it hurt, he followed ecstatically moments after. 

They remained knitted tightly in each other’s amrs, high on relief and pleasure, kissing tenderly as if it was their first time again. When Hanbin opened his eyes Bobby was smiling as if he wanted to say something teasing to him. Hanbin knew he was probably looking like a happy village idiot or something. 

“What??” Hanbin asked already laughing. 

“I just can’t believe…”

“this all happened in the space of less than 48 hours?”

“Yep.” Bobby chuckled and moved further along on the pillow, bringing his face closer to Hanbin’s so their lips could brush. Hanbin was calmer now but Bobby could tell he was still shaken. It was going to take a lot of reassurance to help Hanbin get over this fight they’d just had, he could see it now. He felt very sorry about that. He was going to have to be extra gentle with him for a while. He ran his hand over Hanbin’s cheek…this guy, seriously…What an amazing, beautiful idiot… 

“Don’t let go of me during the night, Hanbin. I swear to God, if I wake up and find you’ve run off upstairs to the studio, I will kill you and make it look like an accident.” Hanbin burst into laughter. 

“I won’t...I promise.” For the first time ever Hanbin genuinely couldn’t be bothered to go and work till 3 in the morning. He was in a special kind of heaven right now and he could feel Jiwon melting into sleep, he wanted to stay for that. Bobby pulled Hanbin’s body closer, if that was even possible, and closed his eyes. He was indescribably happy. Also…now could he finally get some sleep?

Hanbin was so relieved the coldness between them was finally gone he would have cried again if he’d had any tears left. This morning it had been hard to believe that Bobby would ever be in his arms like this again, but now it was hard to believe they had ever fought and misunderstood each other so badly in the first place. As for letting down Bobby so badly over MOBB..? He was going to have to wait for a while to process that…that was a big task.

…I really am such a troublesome guy…But how come it’s so much easier to get mad than to be honest? It's probably for the same reason I find it easier writing sad lyrics rather than happy ones…

Thinking about lyrics there was so much to do still – so much! They only had one song! But he wasn’t going to think about it, he was starting to fall asleep himself. He gave the sleeping Jiwon one last kiss on lips and decided he was just going to have to deal with that in the morning. And for the first time ever he didn’t even feel guilty about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT THE END BTW lol - There is one more chapter to come - very fluffy.
> 
> Also I hope the romantic sections of this chapter aren't completely terrible...I'm not very confident when it comes to writing that sort of thing!!!!!


	6. Back to Business

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: this isn't the last chapter. There will be 7 chapters in total.

As usual Bobby woke up first. They had moved apart during the night, as they always did despite their efforts, and he had opened his eyes to find Hanbin’s bare, perfectly toned back right next to him. The sheets had been pushed all the way down to the two muscular hollows at the base of his spine.

…damn…

He marveled every muscle and line, cursing Hanbin for being so beautiful. The brightly coloured paper plane and balloons on Hanbin’s shoulder were glowing in the morning light filtering in through the blinds. As softly as he could, he traced his finger over the shapes, enjoying the cheerful innocence of the image. Hanbin stirred at his touch and a few goosebumps shivered across the surface of his skin. Whoops, he was so sensitive! Bobby was cheekily happy though - he couldn’t wait for Hanbin to wake up - it was like waking up for Christmas. He was determined for today to be a good one and he couldn’t wait for it to get started.

Hanbin woke up a few moments later to the dreamy sensation of soft lips dotting kisses all the way down his spine stopping just above his tailbone. He raised his head, looked around and half opened one eye- there was Bobby, smiling with his eyes all creased and his adorable bunny teeth peeping out.

…Oh….That’s right…we’re not fighting anymore…oh, thank God…!

He groaned in joyful relief and flopped back down, grinning shyly into his pillow. He couldn’t remember feeling this calm and happy in ages and the fact that everything horrible between them had passed just made everything even more incredible. Yet he was also feeling a little silly though, kind of embarrassed by everything that had happened the day before…all his tears, and anger, means words and mistakes…

No! He suddenly remembered the MOBB conversation with a nasty jolt of guilt. Poor Jiwon, hurt this whole time, wondering if he had been jealous and resentful of MOBB…it was just too awful to comprehend. He knew he was going to have to make it up to Jiwon but where to start?

As if reading his mind Bobby slipped down against Hanbin’s back, spooning him from behind. Happy butterflies flew about in his stomach.

…No, we must be good…we must be, he’s holding me…and there was last night…

Feeling comforted Hanbin relaxed into it the warm cave of Bobby’s chest and helped fasten Bobby’s arms around him as if they were a seatbelt. He fiddled with Bobby’s fingers linked with his own, enjoying the sensation of Bobby’s face pressed into his hair. He could tell Bobby was smiling, he didn’t even need to look.  
…No he wants me, he really does… I was such a moron to ever doubt him…and for some crazy reason he is going to give me another chance…

That was the incredible thing about Bobby, Hanbin thought to himself, shutting his eyes and enjoying the warmth. For someone who unapologetically demanded unconditional love with no secrets and no jealousy, he was such a forgiving person and so generous when it came to giving second chances. Well, that is as long as he knew that the person was sorry and had never meant to hurt him in the first place…

Bobby had grown up in a family where they literally told each other everything, so it made sense to Hanbin that Bobby needed that same level of openness to feel good in their relationship. Bobby wouldn’t and couldn’t settle for less…and he couldn’t be without Bobby, so he was just going to have to try harder…but being so open was hard for him and his family was so different from Bobby’s…

He’d been a fiercely independent and driven child from a young age and his parents unwavering confidence in his abilities meant they had never stood in his way of reaching his goals, even when it meant their separation for long periods at a time. Even now his relationship with his parents was still founded on that same mutual respect of each other’s independence: Hanbin was selective about what he shared with them and they were selective about what they shared with him. He didn’t want to burden them with his worries and problems and they didn’t want to burden him with theirs…it was almost like they just loved each other too much to be honest with each other…

He realized though he was going to have to get better at this whole honesty thing if he wanted Jiwon to be happy…maybe he just needed to approach it the same way he did rapping, dancing and songwriting…see it as a challenge, a skill to be mastered…

For a while they stayed cuddled together, comfortably lost in sleepy, cozy serenity. Eventually Hanbin wiggled around in Bobby’s arms to face him with a smile and place a barely-there kiss on his lips. Hanbin gently went in for another but suddenly Bobby was biting his bottom lip hard. Bobby smiled seductively as Hanbin gave him a dazed, amused look.

…You’re wondering am I really in the mood this early in the morning? Yep, you bet I am, Bin. Let’s go... 

Bobby kissed Hanbin’s face all over, growling something against his cheek about how he couldn’t handle how cute he was in the morning. He kissed Hanbin fiercely then began to move down his body with his mouth, paying painstaking attention to the lines of his stomach and the deep grooves of his hip bones. Hanbin tangled his hands through Bobby’s messy hair as he wondered what on earth he’d done to deserve this. After that point everything moved fast as they chased their need for each other with the same urgency of the night before. Then out of the blue Bobby paused and requested something they hadn’t done in a while. 

“Really? You sure, I don’t want to hurt you or you to be uncomfortable or anything?” Hanbin hesitated.

“No really, I want to, so get over here already.” They both knew it didn’t give him quite the same pleasure it did Hanbin, but right now Bobby just really needed Hanbin inside him for some reason. They started slowly, and sure enough it wasn’t any different from the other times he had done it before, but the absolute physical contact with Hanbin it involved satisfied his need for that intoxicating, paradoxical feeling of being both totally safe and totally vulnerable with someone. It was a feeling of being absolutely known through and through. Maybe he was trying to catch up on some of that feeling of complete trust in Hanbin that had been partially lost during the MOBB fiasco months…and show Hanbin he did and could trust him again…prove they could do anything together. Also, seeing Hanbin speechless and breathless, looking at him in awe from where he had melted down onto the bed afterwards was pretty fucking awesome. It never stopped being amazing, being able to make Hanbin feel that good…

“Ah, should we get back to work?” Bobby grinned once he himself had recovered. He was now lying next to Hanbin on his side, his head propped on his elbow. Hanbin was staring into space whilst absent-mindedly tickling Bobby’s chin.

“…What?” Hanbin replied vaguely after a pause. He was still slowly floating through the fluffy heavens back down to earth. “Oh, yeah…we should. What’s the time?”  
Bobby reached over to the bed side table and checked his phone.

“Um….it’s ten am.”

“Shit.” Hanbin returned to earth with a thud. 

They worked solidly throughout the morning with little procrastination thanks to their effective (and cringeworthy they agreed – “NO ONE can know about this!”) “reward system.” To stop themselves from accidentally constantly making out and wasting time, they rewarded themselves with a quick guilt-free snuggle and kiss at the end of each thirty minute block of work. At one point Bobby did have to enforce the system though with the workaholic Tigerbin by sticking his face in front of his computer screen and pulling a double chin face to get his attention.

They concluded smugly their system was effective though because soon enough Bobby was in the sound booth testing out a combination of his own and Hanbin’s lyrics as Hanbin monitored.

Things continued going well until they unexpectedly hit a wall late that afternoon. Hanbin was getting frustrated that the song hadn’t turned out the way they had imagined. It seemed fragmented, like it was three different songs awkwardly stuck together instead of one cohesive track. Bobby could hear the problem too but he couldn’t yet see a way to smooth the song out without removing two thirds. Also, their verses had been written to fall on certain beats…so any changes would mean re-writing the those too. It was so frustrating, they had been so close to finishing…

“Look, let’s take a break. Let’s go for a walk,” suggested Bobby noticing Hanbin had started tearing the pad of paper in front of him to shreds, a classic sign he was sinking into a downward spiral of obsession. He was feeling irritated and cooped up himself.

“I dunno…do we have time for that?” Hanbin said distractedly without looking away from the computer.

“Yep!” Bobby marched over grabbed the back of Hanbin’s computer chair and started pushing Hanbin in it towards the door.

“Okokokok!” Hanbin laughed. “But no longer than thirty minutes!”

***

“You sure you’re warm enough?” Hanbin asked as they stood on the doorstep. He frowned and tugged Bobby’s collar up around his neck to stop the cold from getting in.

“Yes MUM! Not everyone is as cold as you are all the time, jeez.” Bobby rolled his eyes, but he actually loved Hanbin’s fussing. He helped Hanbin wrap his scarf around his neck then scooped up his hand, holding it tightly. They headed in the direction of the forest, down the same path Bobby had stormed the night before. Bobby knew Hanbin would appreciate the huge pine trees and the view from the lookout. He was keenly anticipating his reaction and couldn’t stop smiling. It was such a beautiful day and despite his concerns about the song, he was finally feeling free and giddy, as if this really was a weekend getaway with his high school sweetheart.

“On this walk there is one rule!” Bobby declared shaking a finger at Hanbin.

“Yeah?” Hanbin smiled. He never let anyone but Bobby make rules for him.

“We can talk about anything BUT the song we’re working on. This is a break. We are trying to refresh out minds, ok?”  
“Ok..fine.”

“I know it’s going to be hard for you..” It was Hanbin’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Come on, have some faith in me.”

“So why did you bring your notebook?” Hanbin jumped forward in surprise as Bobby’s hand suddenly snapped to his backside with cobra-like speed and whipped out the notebook he had slipped into the back pocket of his jeans. He’d put it there without even noticing he’d done it before they left the studio.

“Hey!” Hanbin laughed, reaching out for the little white book as Bobby held it behind his back. Hanbin pouted, crossing his arms.

“No writing! Enjoy the nature!” But Bobby gave it back with a sigh and pulled Hanbin into his arms.

“Please, please, please don’t think about work,” he implored. “let’s just enjoy this walk together. Ok?…we never get to do things like this.” 

They continued along the path hand in hand and entered the forest, laughing and joking with their normal effortlessness. As Bobby anticipated Hanbin was moved by the huge, ancient looking pines framing the path.

“Oh! Look!” Hanbin broke out of Bobby’s grip raced to the side of the path and bent down to pick up something. “A pine cone!” 

“yeah? It’s a pinecone, Bin..” Bobby giggled at Hanbin’s eagerness. It was so nice seeing him free from anxiety and being his usual quirky self…

“I’m going to collect them! They smell so nice. Here, smell!” Bobby’s inhaled deeply, happy to indulge Hanbin the cheerful forest elf.

“Yeah…pretty good!” Hanbin raced away to pick up more. He had even taken off his Beanie to use as a basket.

“We can put them around the studio to make it smell amazing. We can then take them back for the dorms!”

“You serious?? That’s enough!” Bobby laughed as Hanbin hobbled back over clutching a full beanie and arms stuffed with pinecones.

“How about we leave them here and get them on the way back down?” Bobby suggested, realizing there was no way they could carry them all up and back down the track. They arranged them in a pile near a tree with a distinctively mossy trunk so they would notice them easily. Hanbin insisted on keeping one pinecone to fiddle with, reached out for Bobby’s hand, and they continued up the path to find the lookout.

“It should be around here…I’m sure I didn’t go any further than this. There, that path!” He led the way on the narrow path which only allowed one person across, still holding Hanbin’s hand who followed behind him.

“This is it. it’s really beautiful because you can see the mountains.” Walking up to the lookout Bobby had wondered how he would feel returning to the spot where he’d so miserably pondered their relationship the night before. As they stood for a while leaning against the railing admiring the huge white clouds and the stunning horizon, he was thrilled to discover the place held no bad feelings for him. In fact it was kind of amazing returning here in such a different mood. Maybe because after all it was here he’d remembered how much he loved Hanbin and had decided to try and fix things….and here they were now, sitting on the very same rock, happier than ever. Bobby was leaning back against Hanbin who had locked his arms around him and was evidently loving the view. He was exclaiming using those fancy words Bobby liked hearing him use with such ease, like “sublime,” “stupendous,” and “majestic.” He loved it when Hanbin went full nerd. Hanbin kissed the top of his head.

“Thank you for showing me, this is just the kind of thing I like…something so beautiful and vast it reminds me that YG is just one tiny dot in this universe.”

“But it’s a pretty big tiny dot for us…” Bobby chuckled ruefully. 

“True, sometimes it feels like a blackhole. But it is the same blackhole that makes everything worthwhile right?”

“Yeah….but we’re talking about work again,” Bobby grumbled.

“Oh yeah, sorry…” Hanbin laughed and kissed Bobby’s head again. “My bad.”

They sat talking for longer than either expected. The view, the perfect balance of the cool breeze and the warm cozy sun, the wild birds that flew above them freely, the crisp fresh air, and just the happiness of being so utterly alone together, made time go very quickly. They found they had a surprising amount of thoughts, ideas and experiences to catch each other up on. It was hard getting one on one time when they were also part of multiple bands…

“Ok, my butt is numb…” Hanbin chuckled.

“We should head back now anyway…we’ve been here a while,” Bobby suggested, finally sitting up from Hanbin’s arms.

“Ok, let’s go! Let’s go make lunch then we can eat it in the garden – did you notice it? It is tucked away on the other side of the house. It’s so incredible, it’s traditional Japanese style. This is just the kind of house I’m going to have one day.” Bobby nodded and smiled fondly as Hanbin chattered away happily but kept him walking steadily along the path.

“I’m not sure we’ll have time for that…we’ll see.”

They grabbed the pinecones on their way downhill, Bobby taking half the pile, and headed back to the house.

“Ok so lunch!” Hanbin was in such a good mood he was getting excited about everything now.

“Actually I think we might just need to grab a snack…”

“Why, we’ve got heaps of time, right?”

“No…umm…it’s getting pretty late. Like, it’s almost 5pm…”

“Shit.” Hanbin sighed. He’d almost forgotten they were here to work.

***

“Look, it’s done so let’s leave it. I actually think it’s really cool.” Bobby had his hand on Hanbin’s shoulder, gripping him tightly and trying to convince him that the song was good enough. As usual Hanbin wasn’t comfortable with the concept of “good enough.” He wanted “fucking amazing” or nothing. 

“…YG’s not going to like it though…it’s not his style.”

Bobby had the same concerns, in fact he was also a bit doubtful now. But he also knew that they had basically run out of time…they would be leaving by 9am the next morning so there wasn’t enough time to write another song. They were just going to have to present the two songs to YG and be done with it.

“Bin, we’ve done the best we can. Honestly, even if he doesn’t like this one a lot there is no doubt in my mind he is going to really like the one we wrote yesterday. We need to think of a title for that one by the way…”

Hanbin wasn’t feeling so good anymore. He was tired after the hike, and everything else that had happened. Everything was feeling too much again. Returning from the walk back to the studio had been like stepping from paradise into an apocalypse of anxiety.

…we only have two songs…

…YG is expecting more from us…

…he’s going to be so disappointed…

…he expects more from me…

…what kind of leader am I…

….we’ve run out of time…

….no we can stay up all night and write another…

…what if we can’t do it though…

He could hear Bobby talking to him, and he knew from his tone of voice that he was trying to encourage him to relax. But he couldn’t focus on the words – they seemed to be in a different language.

“Jiwon, we’re fucked.” Hanbin said noticing how his own voice seemed to come from miles away. He stood up and a sensation came over him he’d never felt before.  
Bobby was checking out the drum kit over in the corner, sitting down on the stool hitting the bass drum pedal and waving around the drumsticks.

“Hey I know. How about we just walk into YG’s office with middle fingers up and yell “we’ve only got two songs and they’re fucking amazing! So suck that”!” Bobby laughed at the mental image. He’d expected Hanbin to laugh along but he was silent.

He looked over and saw Hanbin was stuck to the spot and looking very strange. His eyes were glazed over, his breaths were shallow and unnatural looking, and his mouth was open as if he had just witnessed a terrible accident. There was a detached yet manic energy radiating from him, as if the real Hanbin had gone off and left behind a body losing control.

“Hanbin?” Bobby raced over and took him by the arms. Hanbin saw straight through him and tried to pull away.

“Bin, what’s wrong?” he asked urgently but Hanbin was now taking dozens of fast shallow breaths, turning whiter by the second. Bobby thought of something he’d seen done before in a similar situation. He covered Hanbin’s mouth with his hand.

“Hanbin, breathe through your nose, ok?” Hanbin inhaled deeply then exhaled in a rush. He slumped forward into Bobby’s chest with an exhausted groan. Bobby’s heart was racing almost as fast as Hanbin’s which he could feel throbbing away through his jumper. He held Hanbin tightly and rubbed his back, waiting for a sign that he was ok. What had just happened? He’d never seen anything like it. Was this what a panic attack looked like…?

“Bin, you wanna to sit down?”

“I don’t know,” Hanbin mumbled dully, still shaking. Bobby led him to the studio lounge room and sat down with him on the couch. Hanbin sighed again and chuckled weakly.

“I’m so sorry…I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden it felt like I couldn’t breathe and like I was going to die or something.”

“…Ok…that’s not cool at all, but ok…”

“I don’t know…I think it’s just stress…this weekend has been…pretty….stressful,” Hanbin laughed apologetically. He was starting to look a bit better now with colour slowly returning to his cheeks. Nonetheless Bobby kept his hand protectively on the back of Hanbin’s neck watching him closely, terrified that if he looked away even for a second whatever had just happened would do so again.

“Jesus Hanbin, that scared the shit out of me!”

“I know, sorry.”

“No you don’t have to be sorry, but damn…give me warning next time??” Hanbin managed a more natural sounding laugh.

“I am ok now…I think.” 

“Was it what I said about YG? Because I promise we don’t have to do that if it’s gonna upset you that much, ok??” Hanbin laughed hard, took Bobby’s hand off the back of his neck and kissed it. He was feeling an overwhelming rush of love for him. He was just so lucky. 

“Of course it wasn’t what you said, silly.” Hanbin scolded.

….it wasn’t what you said, it was all these thoughts in my HEAD, all these worries and problems I can’t solve even though everyone expects me to..!!  
“Just tell me what can I do to make you feel better?”

“Hold me?” Hanbin said jokingly, but he desperately meant it. The terrible feeling of suffocating and the merciless despair that went with it had passed but now he was feeling oddly detached, like he was a balloon someone had let loose into the sky. He needed to be held and touched, brought back down to earth, reconnected with his body. Happy to oblige Bobby wrapped his arms around him tightly, nuzzling his neck just the way he knew Hanbin liked. Hanbin began to feel better…it was working.

“Maybe kiss me too…?”

“Ok…but-” Hanbin cut him off with a deep, needy kiss. “Please, just distract me ok? My head is spinning and I just really need to drown these thoughts out for a moment.”

“Bin….” But as Bobby felt Hanbin’s hand at the fly of his jeans he suddenly felt needy too and he decided to trust Hanbin’s intuition on this one.

….as long as you feel better Bin…

***

“I can’t believe we just did that on Tablo’s couch. You know what? I bet Mithra Jin and DJ Tukutz have sat here….probably even Haru.”

“OH MY GOD! CAN YOU NOT SAY SHIT LIKE THAT!” Bobby leapt up from the couch in horror, shuddering uncontrollably. Hanbin cackled with laughter. He loved pressing Bobby’s prudish buttons every now and again.

“No, that’s it. That’s the last time I let you seduce me in a stupid place. This is Tablo’s couch and we have…we have…” Bobby flailed his arms trying to find the words.

“baptized it?” Hanbin suggested. Bobby snorted with a combination of dismay and laughter. He threw Hanbin his t-shirt at his face.

“Just put your shirt on, Bin...let’s go to bed – where this SHOULD have happened in the first place.” Bobby really did want Hanbin to get some rest. He seemed much better, pretty much back to normal but really, who knew? That panic attack had come out of nowhere!

“What about the song though?” Hanbin mumbled wearily whilst pulling his t-shirt over his head.

“It’s fine Bin, and it’s too late to do anymore work on it now, seriously look at the time. If you’re still really not cool with it tomorrow morning let’s look at it then, ok?” Hanbin nodded sleepily, conceding defeat. He’d definitely had enough work for today.

***

Hanbin was in bed, still just awake, waiting for Bobby to finish brushing his teeth and enjoying the view of his bare torso in the bathroom light. As Bobby turned around, still brushing, he caught Hanbin happily staring and gave him a tired but flirty wink. Hanbin smiled.

Finally Bobby hopped under the covers and pulled Hanbin into his arms, protectively settling him down on his chest and caressing his hair. 

“Are you ok, now?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m fine.” Hanbin was telling the truth, he did feel much better, just exhausted mentally and physically. He had no idea though what would have happened if Jiwon hadn't been there with him back then. 

“Ok...let’s sleep then. We’ll deal with everything else tomorrow. Everything will turn out fine." Hanbin fell asleep easily, reassured by the tone of absolute calm in Bobby's voice. And Bobby believed his own words too. He always just knew when things would turn out well. It was intuition. When Hanbin wasn't confident about things he'd be confident for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I promised fluff with this chapter but for some reason exploring some more serious themes felt more natural than going full fluff. I hope it is enjoyable nonetheless.


	7. Last Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh! So sorry I kept deleting and reposting - AO3 had been stuffing up so bad for me :( I actually finished this story last weekend but couldn't post till now! It was killing me lol. Here you go xx

Hanbin woke up abruptly, as if in response to someone’s command. It was still dark outside but the warm tone of the blue light suggested the sun was on its way. They were nearly out of time. He moved as gently as he could while extricating himself from Bobby’s arms. He didn’t want to wake him, the poor guy was tired enough as it was.

He untangled a leg trapped under Bobby’s, cleared a path through the sheets and in one slow, steady movement he commando rolled out from underneath the arm strewn across him. Bobby didn’t stir. He tucked the sheets back around Bobby with painstaking gentleness.

He pulled on clothes quickly and quietly, surprised by how awake he felt, like he’d never been asleep before. He closed the bedroom door slowly, leaving it just ajar so he didn’t make any noise. He made his way down the hallway.

He was just about to enter the kitchen area when there was a thud. He jumped and looked around to find a half-asleep Bobby had stumbled into the hallway wall. He’d pulled on a pair of boxer shorts, very quickly it seemed by how low they were sitting on his hips, and he was trying to pull on a hoodie whilst walking with closed eyes.

 “Jiwon! Go back to bed…” Hanbin whined as Bobby stumbled towards him, his eyes reduced to sleepy slits.

“Shut up.” Bobby growled dopily putting his hand over Hanbin’s mouth. “Let’s go.” He removed his hand and linked arms with Hanbin. Hanbin smiled gratefully as he led the drowsy but determined zombie-bunny up to the studio.

Hanbin sat forward on the chair headphones on, listening intently while scribbling down some notes that only made sense to him. Bobby sat right behind him, arms around his stomach, clinging to his back like a Koala,  and peering over his shoulder trying to wake up. He wore a set of headphones too and listened along as Hanbin made a few changes here and there. He understood what Hanbin was doing and why without needing to ask, he trusted Hanbin’s judgement more than his own when it came to polishing a song. He enjoyed the performance aspect of being a rapper by far, but it was good to improve his technical skills by observing Hanbin who was close to mastering the exacting editing process. Every few minutes Hanbin would simply turn his head slightly to Bobby to silently ask “All good? This sounds better right?” He would then feel Bobby nod against his shoulder and keep going.

Slowly sunlight started to peep through the studio from through the hallway that led to the studio loungeroom. Bobby realized how hungry he was. He gave Hanbin a squeeze around the middle to get his attention.

“Let’s take a break and eat.” He suggested, lifting one headphone off Hanbin’s ear.

“You go, I’m honestly not hungry.” Bobby believed Hanbin wasn’t hungry but he wasn’t going to settle for him not eating. He went downstairs and got together some breakfast, grabbed his phone from the bedroom (whoops, lots of unread messages), and headed back upstairs.

He pulled up a chair next to Hanbin and tried to pass him a bowl of cereal.

“No, really. I can’t eat.”

“Hanbin…” Bobby warned. He loaded a spoon with cereal and held it in front of Hanbin’s face so he couldn’t see the screen. Out of sheer desperation to avoid wasting anymore time Hanbin accepted the spoonful, munching away even though he really didn’t feel like it. Bobby made sure he finished the whole bowl and then fed him a banana, breaking it into smaller pieces and popping them in his mouth.  

As Bobby began his own bowl of cereal he decided it was finally time to read his messages. He’d barely looked at his phone since the incident with Hanbin that had led to their fight. Once things had cleared up between them he hadn’t wanted any distractions from Hanbin’s company. Hanbin was all he needed, the rest of the world could wait. He smiled as he discovered a series of texts from Jinhwan from the day before, each one increasing in sassiness.

>>so how did it go?<<

>>I’m waiting…<<

>>Still waiting.<<

>>ok. Cool. Fine. I don’t need to know anyway<<

>>Jiwon are you DEAD? Did he kill you or something? Because right now you’re ghosting me so hard it’s not even funny <<

>>You know what? I’m just going to keep texting your ghost because I bet they will reply faster than you ever did while alive<<

Bobby chuckled. Well at least he was prepared for Jinhwan’s rage when he got back to the dorms! He sent him a quick text.

>>all good. Will explain when I see ya<<

There was a text from his brother, and then one from Tablo which caught his attention. He opened it eagerly.

>>Heyyy sup. How you and Hanbin going?? Tell Hanbin I am breaking up with him because he never replied to my last text. Also I’m on the edge of my seat. Can’t wait to hear your new tracks. Just don’t know if the one hour meeting Yg has booked us all in for is going to be long enough to listen to and discuss 4 tracks? We’ll see. See you soon dude<<

Bobby’s blood ran cold. Tablo was going to be there when they showed the songs to YG? He and YG were expecting FOUR tracks? He looked up and Hanbin was staring at him with a no-bullshit expression on his face. Dammit, he really needed to watch his facial expressions more when around Hanbin – he read him as easily as a kid’s picture book. Well, he had no intention of keeping this from Hanbin anyway, he needed to prepare him…

“Ah, Tablo messaged me..”

“And?” Hanbin looked up at him wearily as if to say “and what’s the bad news now? Just tell me.”

“Well Tablo is going to be at the meeting when we show YG the new songs, and well, they’re both expecting four new tracks…and we’ve only got…”

“Two.” Hanbin finished his sentence flatly. They looked each other grimly for a while, trying to process the new information. Hanbin finally sighed and ran his hand through his hair in distress.

“Shit, I’m so embarrassed.” He muttered bitterly.

“Bin..”

“Aren’t you?” Bobby almost didn’t know what was worse. Seeing Hanbin in full panic mode like yesterday or seeing him enter this dark, cynical, bitter mode. Both were pretty horrible. Worst of all Bobby didn’t know what he could do to comfort Hanbin this time. YG had never specified how many songs they had to produce and they had both gone into the weekend with the intention of producing as many as possible…but it seems that YG’s idea of “as many as possible” had been a minimum of four…

Hanbin was mortified because with only two songs it would look like he hadn’t even tried to meet YG’s expectations. And not even trying at YG was the most unforgivable sin of all. And not even trying as the LEADER at YG…well, that was unheard of. Bobby could feel the despair radiating from Hanbin and filling the room.

And of course he was embarrassed himself – he was dying from embarassment. He wasn’t the leader but YG had made it pretty clear what he expected of him this weekend. He needed to be there to fire up Hanbin and do as much song production as possible. But it seemed that their relationship issues had really chewed up a huge amount of time…but what could they do? They literally had to leave in about 2 hours. That wasn’t even enough time to start writing a song and brainstorming a concept…

…Wait….Bobby looked down at his phone and suddenly had an idea.

“Hey, Bin maybe we’re going about this the wrong way…”

“What do you mean” Hanbin murmured at his computer screen.

“Well, I just had a thought…what about the boys?” Hanbin was looked up at him questioningly, trying his hardest not to get his hopes up but also desperately wanting a way out of this situation.

“I’m just thinking that, well, remember how ages ago YG told the boys to start writing songs in their free time to develop their skills?”

“Yeah…” Hanbin did remember and now he could see where Bobby was going with this. When YG had first arranged a meeting with the seven of them to discuss a potential comeback he expressed doubt that the other boys were ready to write their own songs for the album. He seemed to think they needed much more experience…both Hanbin and Bobby knew how deeply that had frustrated them. All they could do was take YG’s advice and keep writing…but they had so much other stuff to do all the time whilst touring that practicing song-writing definitely hadn’t been a topic of frequent discussion…

“Have you heard any of them? Like, have any of the boys actually finished a song?” Bobby asked quickly.

“Not that I know of…I know it was just something they were working on when they could during their free time…but Jinhwan and Junhoe have improved so much recently when it comes to music arrangement...” Bobby nodded eagerly in agreement.

“I’m gonna call Jinhwan.” The phone rang for a painfully long time then finally Bobby heard a long yawn on the other end of the line.

“What is wrong you? You don’t answer my texts and then you call me at 7am in the morning?” Jinhwan muttered, managing to sound both angry and sleepy.  Bobby ignored him – he needed an answer as soon as possible.  

“Jinhwan, remember how YG told you and the others to practice your song-writing??” There was a long pause as Jinhwan obviously tried to process the question while semi-asleep.

“…yeah.”

“Did any of you actually write a song and finish it?”

“Well mine’s not exactly finished, neither is June’s or Dong’s…but we worked together on our individual songs just the other day. They could be really good…but we’d need more time to work on them…what’s this about.”

“How much time would you need?”

“To do what?”

“To get at least two of those songs into final tracks?”

“Uh…where are you going with this? YG hasn’t given us permission to write for the comeback album…”

“But maybe he will change his mind if they’re good! And Hanbin and I know you’ve all gotten so much better…” There was a pause as Jinhwan was obviously thinking something through. “Are the songs good Jinhwan? If they are…”

“…Can you hold on?” Jinhwan asked.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” The phone went quiet for about a minute. Hanbin had now completely stopped work and looking at him on the phone, trying to follow the conversation as best he could.

“hey back. You still there?”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Ok we can have three finished songs by this afternoon.” Bobby burst into laughter and leapt to his feet. Hanin looked at him eager for an explanation.

“You fucking serious??”

“Yeah…they will be good. We’re not going to blow this chance to prove to YG that we’re big boys now and that we can write hit songs. We’ve been working on them for ages…but we still need you two to help us.”

“Jinhwan, I love you. You know that right?”

“Of course you do. No hurry up get your asses back to Seoul. We need to be in the studio together. And also we kinda miss you two.”

“OK. We’ll leave soon.”

“Bye jerk, drive safe. OH. By the way how did things work out with Hanbin?”

“Good, really good,” Bobby giggled. He could basically hear Jinhwan’s grimace. Clearly his tone of voice had given away a lot of information.

“…You two are so gross. But I am glad. Come home.”

Bobby had barely pressed end call when Hanbin was at him for an explanation. Bobby couldn’t stop smiling now. Just as he’d hoped everything was coming together, everything was going to be ok. He took Hanbin by the shoulders excitedly.

“We’re all good Bin, the boys said they can have another three songs together by the afternoon.” Hanbin’s mouth fell open then he started smiling like crazy too.

…Hanbin knew the boys had been working on their own songs but they had all been so private about it. They were shy and self-conscious because YG had been so doubtful of their growth as song-writers. He’d just kind of assumed the songs were good but being saved by the boys for any potential solo work they wanted to do in the future…and he’d had no idea how far along the songs were…

“Are the songs good?”

“Jinhawn said they were and he was confident…we just need to get there to help them finish it off and add our verses. We can do this.” Hanbin smiled with dopey, joyful relief as Bobby took his hands and waved cheering them in the air for him.

“Yeah…we can do this. We need to head back soon then.”

“Yeah…we do.” Bobby agreed but he didn’t know now whether it was happiness he was feeling at the idea of returning to Seoul or incredible sadness…However his confusion hardly surprised him. After all, it had been a long weekend and he’d basically experienced every emotion available to man. He hardly knew what was what anymore.

***

They were packed now and standing in the foyer, hand in hand, taking a slow look around trying to work out if they had forgotten anything. A mood of nostalgia and bittersweet happiness had already overcome them and they hadn’t even left yet. Bobby turned to Hanbin and their eyes met, exchanging a look of understanding which said “yep, I feel it too.” They shared a brief tender kiss wanting to savour this wistful moment.

“Anything you wanna do before we leave?” Bobby asked against Hanbin’s lips. Suddenly Hanbin’s face lit up and he smiled goofily.

“Yes…actually…!”

“What?” Bobby couldn’t help smiling too whenever he saw Hanbin smile like that. It was the best, most infectious, dorky smile in the whole world.

“Well you see there was something I really wanted us to do when we first arrived, but of course neither of us ended up being in the right mood so I didn’t suggest it…”

“Yes…?”

“Well, it’s stupid but I really wanted us to jump on one of those huge bouncy beds upstairs! The first night I accidentally found Tablo’s bedroom when looking for the bathroom. It is the biggest most amazing bed I have ever seen! And I want to jump on it - the way we all used to jump on the hotel beds after we debuted!! Remember?? Whenever we arrived at a hotel straight away we’d all go crazy and jump around on the beds because we were so hyped up and excited!” Bobby laughed, remembering all their ridiculous hotel antics. How funny that Hanbin wanted to relive those childish moments…he was so cute and strange….and that was exactly why he liked him. Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s hand.

“Let’s go then.”

Next minute they were jumping up and down laughing like dorks on the massive, spongey bed in Tablo’s room, pillows flying and covers rippling like a linen sea around them. Suddenly Hanbin copped a pillow to the face and quickly a pillow fight began.

Sometime later they were both lying puffed and giddy on the bed. Hanbin was resting his head on Bobby’s outstretched arm. It had felt incredibly good to be silly, to be unapologetically young and stupid. He was craving moments like this more and more everyday…

They looked at each other in calm happiness, temporarily completely forgetting that they were two ambitious rappers with a serious deadline looming ahead – for that blissful moment, as brief as it was, they were just two dorks in love.

“We should go Bin,” Bobby murmured eventually.  

 “I know,” Hanbin replied smiling sadly. They re-made the bed taking care not to leave a single trace of their jumping session.

***

They had put their backpacks into the back seat of the 4WD, along with the pinecones, and were now in the front seat, taking a long last look at the beautiful house and forest through the front screen. It really was such an incredible property. It was a shame they hadn’t had time to explore more of it. Maybe they’d come back one day, but it would never be the same as this time weekend that had passed…

 Bobby set up the GPS and Hanbin curled up his legs to get comfortable for the drive home. He looked over at Bobby and gave his chin a tickle to get his attention.

“Ok Jiwon, start from the beginning. I want to know everything. Every detail.”

“…Of what?” asked Bobby confused. Hanbin looked at him incredulously.

“MOBB! I want to know about the writing process, the recording, every track, the album as a whole, and every single concert, what it was like working with Minho and Kush, every meeting with YG, every shoot and promotion. If you start now we can cover most of it before we reach the dorms. Anything that isn’t covered this trip will be covered as soon as we finish off the boy’s tracks.” Hanbin was looking at him earnestly with bright curious eyes. His heart swelled and throbbed happily.

Bobby twisted the key into the ignition, hit the accelerator hard, and the 4WD took off down the drive through the fields with a roar. He’d wanted to tell Hanbin everything for so long he couldn’t wait to get started. Also, they needed to get a move on. They had to get back in time for lunch with the boys, they had a comeback to discuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little thank you to all subscribers and readers. I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing this short story and am actually really sad now it is over. If you feel so inclined, leave a comment and let me know what you enjoyed about the story, a favourite moment, or a favourite chapter or scene! I am curious to know how people felt about the heavy angst bc I am usually a fluff writer.
> 
> Also feel free to share whether you would be keen for another chaptered work or maybe just some more cute oneshots. I am tossing up whether to launch another far more ambitious chaptered Double B story of 20+ chapters.
> 
> THANK YOU xx
> 
> p.s. for any fans of my oneshot 'Long Distance' - the story where Hanbin wants to get Bobby a puppy - I will be writing an epilogue chapter to that very soon - look out for it :)
> 
> P.P.S. I cross-post on AFF ( https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1485132 ) and Wattpad ( https://www.wattpad.com/user/A_Memory_Box ) - feel free to follow me on there too!
> 
> A_Memory_Box

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse any mistakes in regards to Korean social etiquette/ways of addressing superiors. please comment and let me know - if I have done anything offensive please let me know and I will change it immediately!


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